Geisha Tomorrow Queens from 3A

    I never understand why they would bother training attractive people to be assassins.  They are the least inconspicuous because everyone is always watching them.  If someone that looks like Heidi Klum walks into a room and kills someone, no matter how discreet it is, you will hear the most detailed eyewitness testimony in the history of the American judicial system.  You would think everyone was handed a script to read from.  That's because attractive folks always have other people staring at them, especially if someone was abnormally attractive like how Hollywood always casts these characters.  They couldn't sneak an extra puff pastry without everyone in the room knowing, let alone deliver a lethal dose of poison to an arms dealer.  

    All eyes would definitely be on these ladies from 3A, but they don't look like they're here to take the subtle approach to their business.  Not that you could anyway walking around with sticks like that.  Nope, once you commit to that sort of weapon you're going in melee style and taking down whoever gets in your way.  These 1/6th scale beauties will be available starting this Friday, March 3rd, from http://www.bambalandstore.com for $140 each.  

The Backpack Invisible Edition from Alex Pardee x Mighty Jaxx

   I'm a bit worries that this toy is based on something that can happen to me in real life.  That someday I'll be walking down the street and an evil imp will drop from a tree and latch on to my back like a barnacle.  Upon securing himself firmly to my central nervous system, he will then force me to follow Nickelback on tour all around the country and refuse to chip in for gas or the therapy I'll need after having to witness Nickelback play 28 times in a row.  You're lucky I'm here to help keep you safe by bringing awareness to such fictional issues.

    Alex Pardee resides in Florida, which is the state I would expect to have something like this happen.  After all they still have dinosaurs roaming around and everyone rides ATV's to work.  This is The Backpack, which like Human Centipede, is a name that seems to down play the seriousness of the affliction.

    This crystal clear edition was produced by Mighty Jaxx and is available right now by visiting http://mightyjaxx.rocks.  Study it and find the cure before it consumes us all!

    

Glamour Girl Vase from Dita Von Teese

 

    Yeah so technically this isn't a toy, but it is a collectible and I want one so that's good enough for me to write about it.  You can be liberal like that when you're the boss. And speaking of bosses, the queen of burlesque Dita Von Teese has gotten into the ceramics game with this glamour girl vase.  Made in the style of the very collectible vintage editions, each one is not only beautiful but also utilitarian and can hold flowers, paint brushes, or your collection of restraining orders.  I would bet in her line of work you have to dole one out every once in a while just to let people know you're not playing around.

    Add some glamour to your collection (lord knows it could use some) today for $65 by visiting https://shop.dita.net.

New Work Available Now from Colin Christian

    Admit it, you need some glitter in your life.  You need some super sparkly things to hang on your wall but what you don't need is the unwritten rule of glitter, in that you will find bits and pieces of it everywhere for the rest of your life.  Put glitter on something just once and you will find it in your eyelids, on your cats, at your desk at work and anywhere else you can imagine.  Inviting glitter into your home in its raw form is like watching that tape from The Ring.  Glitter is the girl in the well in case you didn't see where I was going with that.

    Fear not though, because Colin Christian has ensured that any of the shiny stuff he uses in his beautiful sculptures will stay exactly where it's intended to.  And he has used quit a generous amount of it in his new work, all of which is available right now.  Seriously, put a spotlight on one of these and you'll be seeing those purple blobs every time you blink your eyes for at least a week and a half.  They are literally stealing light from other galaxies to reflect back at you in glorious fashion.   This is but a sample of the work he has up right now at http://sasandcolinchristian.bigcartel.com.  All of it is beyond affordable, so go and add some original art to your life.

The Cybot Avengers from Buzzard Guts x DAMarx Toys

    Cosplay is a pretty strange thing to me, mostly because I can't figure out where people stash their wallets when they're only wearing spandex.  I could never dress up like that mostly because I would personally feel dumb and I wouldn't want people stopping me to ask for a picture all the time at conventions.  I'd be the grumpy guy with his body painted to look like a Thundercat and yelling about how "I don't appreciate people invading my privacy and all of the attention is really unwanted and could you please just leave me alone."  That would be funny to me.  

    My favorite part of cosplay that doesn't involve someone losing an eye when accidentally struck by a cardboard weapon is when people do clever mashups.  Taking a character and dropping him into an entirely different universe than his own is quite entertaining.  That same spirit can be seen in this bootleg series of figures from Buzzard Guts and DAMarx Toys.  They've taken a couple of droids from Star Wars and dressed them up to look like The Avengers and slapped em on some cards that are reminiscent of classic Marvel covers.  You can have one for $40 or the whole set for $150.  Only 5 whole sets were made and you can snag em this Friday, February 24th, at 7pm eastern time through http://buzzardguts.storenvy.com.  

Sushi Cars from tokidoki

     Which of these two scenarios do you find to be the most dangerous:  eating sushi that you bought from a gas station, or filling up a car made of sushi and speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike at 80 miles an hour?  Either one will most likely end in your demise, but the first one would be much slower and more painful in areas you didn't know could hurt so badly.  Go ahead and try to find such poignant discussion on any other toy site.  We're expanding minds here, people!

    A real life car made of raw fish and rice is probably not the best idea, but in the world of tokidoki it makes perfect sense.  You didn't expect an array of characters such as this to be putzing around in a Lincoln did you, especially not after those creepy Mathew McConaughey commercials.  Cute folks drive cute cars no matter if you can figure out how the mechanics would translate into the real world or not.  They don't need engines, because they are obviously powered by adorable.  

    These blind box speedsters are available now at www.tokidoki.it and wherever designer toys are sold.

Foam Madballs from Kidrobot

    Does anyone else think of the stupid stuff they would do if they were ever rich?  I don't mean like hunting other human beings for sport on an island in the Pacific; I'm talking about non psychotic stuff.  I have been inspired by these foam Madballs from Kidrobot to fill an Olympic sized pool with them to create the ultimate ball pit.  And no, don't think you can come over and use it either, because this isn't some gimmicky pizza joint with a dancing rat where kids are peeing and pooping in there and spreading diseases the CDC can't even cure.  It's mine and I never want to have to worry about diving in and getting cholera all over me.

    I don't know how much it would cost to fill a giant pool with these, so I'm gonna start out with  large bowl and see where that takes me.  These throwbacks to the classic toy line are available right now at www.kidrobot.com for $9.99 each.

Valentine's Suck Salon with The Sucklord

   I personally have never been to one of these Sucklord shindigs that all the cool cats are raving about, but a photo did leak from the last one that he held.  This is an exclusive look, brought to you through the hours a day I spend propagating fake news and alternative facts, of what his last gathering looked like:

    Dear God it's more intense than even my worldly mind could have conceived!  There's obviously jazz music playing in the background and just out of frame there would have to be the copious amounts of Mary Jane (that's what the kids call it) that inspired such illicit behavior.  If you're into such shenanigans and tomfoolery than I doubt you'd have anything wholesome planned on this Friday, February 17th when The Sucklord once again spits in the face of common decency for his next Suck Salon.  It will be packed full of rebellious youth, communist literature, and the debut one some Lavender Chrome injection molded figures:

    The shininess is intended to cloud your already twisted judgement.  Here's the details so you can ramp up your sign making and coordinate your protests:

Catzilla One of a Kind Figure from Plaseebo

 

     When Sharon and I lived in our first apartment we had a bunch of cats that would come by looking to be fed.  One was especially personable and we named him Fergus, for what reason I have no idea.  He would come by, stand on his hind legs, and peek into the windows to get our attention whenever he was hungry.  Sometimes he would follow us into the house which became increasingly uncomfortable, because every time we saw him he had a different ailment he was dealing with.  One day he was missing a chunk of his ear, another he had a dangly tooth poking out from his mouth; it was always something and always rather gross.  So one morning I'm leaving for work early in the morning and this black flash of fur darts past me when I open the front door and makes camp under our bed, where my unsuspecting wife is still asleep.  Now part of me wanted to leave the dude there and let my wife wake up to the kitty from Pet Semetary licking her face, but a bigger part of me wanted to stay married, so I evicted him back into the wilds of the cul-de-sac.  We tried on numerous occasions to get him to stay in the house so we could permanently adopt him but he wasn't having it.  I guess it would have cut into his MMA training regiment.

    Somehow, without any input from me, Plaseebo has perfectly captured the spirit of Fergus the Wounded (that's his Game of Thrones name) in his latest creation.  This one of a kind creation of course comes loaded with a color changing LED light that you may mistake for some angry demon soul trapped within it's throat:

    Scary stuff.  The Devil's kitten can be yours by visiting www.plaseebo.net.  

"Chocolate Covered Cherry" Marbled Keshi from Radioactive Uppercut

    Last minute Valentine's Day shopping is no longer limited to your local gas station and their selection of international phone cards and off brand perfume.  You try to bring some culture home and no one appreciates it, am I right?  Nope, your game is now leveled up courtesy of Radioactive Uppercut and his gang of Freaks, Finks, and Spazzes.

    Each of these 3 inch figures has been cast up in a special marbled Chocolate Covered Cherry motif that perfectly emulates the holiday.  They will be sold separately for $30 each and will be available starting tonight at 8pm eastern time from http://radioactiveuppercut.storenvy.com.

Winter Snow Bon Bun from Sorbet Jungle

   

    It never fails that this time of year I am compelled for some reason to go places on the coldest days of the month.  Last year Sharon and I went to Toy Fair on Valentine's Day when it was like 3 degrees out.  We emerged from the bowels of Penn Station only to be hit with cold air that felt like a hammer against your skin.  This year we went to Asbury Park to see NXT and it was a blustery 30 degrees, which doesn't feel too bad when getting out of the car, but then you get that nice breeze off of the Atlantic Ocean and you're pretty sure your exposed areas have died and fallen off.  I obviously have a handle on this whole romance business.

    The cold isn't all bad though, for it has inspired these Winter Snow Bon Buns from Sorbet Jungle.  Only 5 of these 2 inch tall resin creations exist (4 in blue and 1 in white) and go on sale tonight, Monday February 13th at 5pm cst.  They're $35 each and only available from www.sorbetjungle.com.    Now do your best to take your loved one somewhere that the threat of frost bite is not an ever present danger.

Asphaerius from Yuck Toy Co.

    You know how you grab everyone's attention and sell a crap ton of new toys?  You cut a wrestling promo to advertise your product.  Now for those of you that don't know what a promo is, watch this classic one from The American Dream Dusty Rhodes:

     Oh I know you are pumped for the rest of your day now!  If you're not then we probably can't be friends, so go ahead and watch it a few more times till you feel it, brother!

     So Yuck Toy Co. painted up his face and laid the smack down to let everyone know about his release of Asphaerius.  This little resin dude is still available through http://yucktoyco.bigcartel.com and comes with a bunch of stickers and a mini wrasslin' dude so you can start your own league right at home.  Each figure is sold blind bagged and available for only $25!!!!!!

     

The Cast of Rogue One from Forces of Dorkness

    I know the Internet is filled with fake news and alternative facts, but I read the other day that they had to shut a bunch of rides down at Disney Land because someone spread a dead relative's ashes on them.  I don't know how this all went down, but I'd like to think they got into the front seat of Splash Mountain, threw their hands in the air, and just let the wind do the work.  That way it's just like they were taking one last ride on all their favorites, while anyone sitting behind the mourners spent the rest of their day picking charred human remains from their eyelids.  It really is the happiest place on earth!

    In case you haven't noticed, neither Jyn Erso nor any of her esteemed rebels from Rogue One made an appearance in the original Star Wars waaaaaay back in 1977.  That's because they were all roasted.  Oh dang, I forget to yell "spoiler alert."  Though I'm sure if George Lucas was still involved in the storied franchise he would have found a way to digitally insert their ghosts into the original films, causing my head to literally explode as if it had been fired upon by the Death Star.

    Forces of Dorkness has created the ultimate collectible for the Star Wars fan in your life with this bag of ashes from the characters.  Who exactly your mixture will contain is a complete mystery and thats half the fun!  Pick one of these up right now from http://forcesofdorkness.storenvy.com.

    

The Patron Saint of Halloween from Sam Heimer

    I need this!!!  Of course it would drop on a week in which I just bought a rowing machine so I can get all swole and have NXT events two days in a row.  But I need this and that need may push me towards ignoring my attempt at fiscal responsibility and coming to terms with the fact that things like this make me happy and that's what's really important right?  And if it's for my mental stability I'm pretty sure I can write it off on my taxes next year as a health care expense.  I have a very liberal accountant.

    This is The Patron Saint of Halloween from Philadelphia artist Sam Heimer, which is one of the best resin releases I've seen in a long time.  Though I am a bit partial to Halloween decor, and he's from a city I spend a lot of time in, but just look at this thing.  You know you want to fill your shelves with them.  And you can when they go on sale tonight (Monday, February 6th) at 8pm eastern time from samheimer.etsy.com.  There's 20 in black and 25 in orange which and they're only $20 each for this debut release.  Do it.

Slate Gray Wolf Thing Bat Mother from Joseph Harmon x Toy Art Gallery

    I live in an area that is home to arguably the most mysterious critter in history: The Jersey Devil, but he's not really celebrated in the ways you would expect.  Dude has been relegated to cute little bumper stickers and stupid shirts with him bar tending at a local watering hole.  There's no statue honoring his place in American folk lore, no yearly celebration with a parade and devil shaped balloons for the kids.  Talked about a missed opportunity for tourism that extends beyond people wanting to go to the beach and leathering up their skin.  I wonder how much a big bronze statue costs?  Maybe I should put a Kickstarter together.

    The Wold Thing Bat Mother from Joseph Harmon looks like he stepped out of a very bizarre folk tale and right into your heart.  Produced by Toy Art Gallery, this slate gray version will be available today, Friday February 3rd, at noon pacific time for $35.  Secure yours at www.toyartgallery.com and make up your own baby snatching stories, nail them to every tree you can find, and wait for the panic to ensue.  There's nothing like working the villagers up into a torch wielding frenzy.

The Blaming One from Kosrobot x Novelty Haus

    There is nothing worse then doing something dumb and not being able to figure a way to blame it on someone else.  Even if the consequences aren't grave, you've gotta be able to at minimum trace it back to something that may possibly explain your actions.  "Yeah, I guess I'm maybe not the most qualified to give the dog a haircut, but maybe if my father had been there for me when I was a kid things would have turned out differently."  That dog looked really good once everything was evened out, by the way, so you're welcome I guess.

    This resin dude from Kosrobot can supposedly be found wandering the universe pointing his finger and blaming everything g he encounters for his space station going kaboom and killing him dead.  So I guess he's like a super annoying space poltergeist who instead of breaking your dishes and slamming your doors he just goes on about how you're the cause of his misfortune.  Typical dead space guy.  You can get one for your collection right now from one of my favorite stores Novelty Haus.  Check it out at http://www.noveltyhaus.com and let him give you a lesson in the blame game.

Band Camp 3000 Labbits from Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

   

    You know what genre of music I just can't abide?  That no matter how much of it comes out I just can't find anything remotely listenable?  New music.  New music is the absolute worst.  New country music, new rap music, new rock music, it doesn't matter because I have hit the age in which it all sucks.  What's really bad is if you try and listen to the radio it's either new terrible stuff or the same five bands over and over again until you begin to hate that too.  Sometimes I'll be driving around and I turn it to whatever station is playing commercials.  What is wrong with me?

    These Labbits are going to fix it all though, I can just tell.  They're going to make me revert to my teenage self when music was new and adventurous (no pressure at all there, guys).  They're getting a heavy does of practice in at Band Camp 3000 and they've certainly got their work cut out for them to bring me out of my old man funk.  I'm thinking the alien dudes are gonna have the most success.

    This blind boxed series from Kidrobot is available right now from www.kidrobot.com and wherever designer toys are sold.
  

Cyclops-X/ Prototype 1 from Plaseebo

    The bathrooms at Penn Station in Manhattan always remind me of the den of some horrible creature.  The walls are filthy with substances that would defy medical science, people are having conversations with the ghosts of previously devoured meals, and no one in there right mind would enter there if it wasn't deemed a life or death situation.  I was passing a kidney stone the last time Sharon and I were in New York and it was only in that desperation that I dared tempt the foul beast.  Luckily he didn't appear, but some crack head was waaaaaay too close behind me at the urinal to let my guard down.  He must have been one of the true beast's lesser minions.

    Plaseebo has out done himself in the nightmare creating department with this guy.  I have no problem believing he's out there terrifying some village by dining on its residents.  You can own this one of a kind horror show when he goes on sale today (Wednesday, February 1st) at www.plaseebo.net.  If you have kids he would look awesome under their bed.