Satisfaction Guaranteed Resin Figure Line from Public Figures

   You'd think I'd never been anywhere by the way I'm amazed at certain things.  I could go on for an hour about the two story Target in Brooklyn with the shopping cart escalator and I'm sure I looked really dumb to locals as I refused to move until I saw someone use it.  The gist is the escalator for your cart is right next to the escalator for people, so you can ride along side your future purchases to the next floor.  Magic!!!!!    Now I've never been to Las Vegas, but my wife used to have to go there for her job and one night while we chatted on the phone she told me about these dudes that hang out everywhere passing out calling cards for prostitutes.   When I was little I used to collect baseball cards so I thought it would be hilarious for her to try and collect as many different ones as she could and then I would put them in a binder with plastic protector sheets.  The funniest part was her collecting them, the bonus funny part was having them as a collection.  Needless to say she brought home a bunch and I never actually put the binder together.  I had mostly forgotten they existed until my cat Jorah got into the stack and dragged them all over the house.  He's obsessed with anything credit card shaped and I should have known he'd be all about smacking some prostitution cards across the floor.  I have no idea what my in laws must have thought whenever they watched the cats for us because to this day I still find them and know they must have seen one or two at some point.  It's like my cat knew they were funny and keep randomly placing them out in the open to bare my shame.

    Since Thanksgiving will now be twice as awkward this year, what harm could it do to post about figures inspired by those very calling cards?  Public Figures has created a line of four resin figures and slapped em on blown up versions of these vert racy advertisements.  I'm only showing you one, cause believe me the others are not nearly as safe for work as this is, and I know most people read my blog when either on the toilet, on a contraband cell phone in prison, or while they're pretending to do their job.  I'm not trying to have the boss sneak up behind you while looking at such content!

   All four of these ladies trying to put themselves through law school will be available beginning on September 1st by visiting publicfigures.co.uk.  And at only £25 each, how could you go wrong?

Epic Review Time Featuring the Tenacious Toys Exclusive Muckoid from Last Resort Toys

     Last week, during a marathon of Monsters Inside Me, my wife comes home and said that friends of ours were at Best Buy trying to capture a kitten.  The little guy was out there all alone and scared, so of course I was willing to catch up on my favorite tv show about parasites another time.  We spent a few hours out there the first night and were unable to capture the cat.  The next day she spends most of the day out there with traps and some sort of horrible smelling seafood medley and I joined her as soon as I got off from work.  The cat had moved from the relatively cleanliness of the bushes just outside of the front entrance and had taken up residence in a swampy retention pond that was tree lined and over grown.  By playing kitten sounds on our cell phones we were able to coax him out of his hiding place and into one of the traps for a much needed meal.  Foolishly we thought this was the end of the ordeal, that is until the kitten stood on the trigger for the trap and nothing happened.  The little bugger wasn't heavy enough to set it off.  After completing his meal he crawled back into the underbrush which was a little too close to a busy street, so there I go into the thick of things trying to drive it back out towards everyone else.  I'm sweating, covered in dirt, and then I spot a giant hole, running almost parallel to the ground.  I couldn't see inside of it so I grab one of the reeds that are growing from the primordial ooze nearby in an effort to gently see if he is in the hole when the damn thing slices my finger open.  This filthy plant that is thriving in the water from the Devil's urinal has cut me open and shared whatever yuck it was harboring with my blood stream.  Having just watched hours worth of parasitic creatures that nearly killed people under similar circumstances I am internally freaking out.  The picture above is what I imagine is feasting on my bone marrow as I type.

    This feisty bugger is called Muckoid and he is part of The Trash Bag Bunch XL line from Last Resort Toys.  Every time I see the name Last Resort Toys I want to sing that Papa Roach song, but only the intro because my name is not Kyle and my shenanigans are not fueled by Monster energy drink.  The rest of the song is not funny anyway.

    If this figure is giving you wacky flashbacks from your childhood you should probably first make sure you're not on drugs.  Just kidding, as this guy was actually part of The Trash Bag Bunch series from the 1990's, which is without question my favorite time musically.  Imagine having a whole load of the little vintage figures and surrounding this bad boy with them to make a killer display?  Go on, imagine it!!!!!!

     As far as toys go from that time period I sadly invested my money in Starting Lineup figures, which depreciated faster than a chicken sandwich left in a car that is subsequently parked at the airport for a week.  Nothing says welcome home from a long flight quite like discovering why a gang of buzzards is trying to smash your windshield.

As soon as you turn around I'm going to pee on this.  

    The first thing one notices about this figure is that it is massive. It's 7 and a half inches tall and probably just as wide.  It's got more booty than an Instagram model and enough rows of teeth to make a great white shark envious. And what are those claws for?  Being that he has only one on each arm I'm guessing it's not so he can pitch for the Yankees.  And his mouth not only exposes those aforementioned teeth and suspiciously textured forked tongue, but it doubles as a holding place for my janitor sized bundle of keys.  How many of your other toys can claim they're actually earning the shelf space they require?

No I don't know what half of them are for but I'm terrified to get rid of any.

    He is articulated at both arms and at all four of his eyes, allowing for you to pose him in a few different ways, all of which are menacing.  My favorite pose involves him being a meth-induced apparition ala Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" that visits a boy named Kyle who passes out in a dumpster behind a Papa Roach concert and then goes on to become the man that reverses global warming.  Read that one to your kids this Christmas, ya communists!!!!!!


    This color is an exclusive to Tenacious Toys and can only be purchased by visiting www.tenacioustoys.com.  Don't get your mom to drive you out to the 5 and Dime looking for one cause context clues are hard.  Tenacious Toys has the lock on any blue toy that's worth owning.  It's kinda their thing.  Did you also know that Tenacious Toys has ways you can pay for your purchases that I've never even heard of?  I was looking at their website today and I had to Google some of them to find out what they were.  All kinds of crypto currencies that I had no idea existed.  But again, I thought my Starting Lineup collection was gonna pay for college, so I guess I shouldn't expect to know about high finance.

A Trio of Vinyl Clouds from Amanda Visell x Fluffy House

    New Jersey weather has been off the chain as of late and two, count em TWO, days in a row we have had a half hour of Biblical grade thunderstorms followed by gorgeous sunshine.  I went to lunch at work one of those days and when I clocked out the sky was black and pouring rain and by the time I clocked back in it looked like a tropical postcard that you would buy in an airport.  The weather is playing with my emotions and I do not appreciate it.

   All three of these cloud figures from Amanda Visell and Fluffy House represent what has become a typical day in New Jersey weather, though I'm sure she didn't have that in mind while designing them.  Standing at 5 inches and retailing for $55 each, choosing just one would be as hard as choosing what clothes to wear to accommodate our ever changing climate.  Check em out by visiting https://fluffyhouse.bigcartel.com.

Asteroid Custom Lottery from Plaseebo

   Have you ever sat around and tried to fathom the vastness of space?  We are told that it is never ending but have you ever really tried to ponder that?  Everything we know has boundaries; every living thing and every object has a distinct end point where it ceases to exist.  Anything you can think of is contained to some degree, whether it is in and of itself or it is a part of something larger.  Your couch is contained in your living room, which is in your house, which is within your city, which is within your state, etc etc.  Like my friend in middle school's uncle who was really weird about hugging, space has no boundaries.  My God I am hurting my wee human brain just trying to imagine something like that.  Guess that means it's nap time!

    Before I go and ruin the rest of my day with an ill advised rest, let me tell you about this killer Asteroid figure from Plaseebo.  This dude looks like he was trying to prove that space did indeed have an ending and met with something very unfortunate along the way.  I'm going to label him as part of the genre "Haunted Galaxy" that I just made up as he looks like he encountered some pretty mean intergalactic poltergeists rather than mere aliens.  Whatever it was that did him in, this one of a kind figure is masterfully crafted and features LED lights which make him way more creepier than anyone thought possible.  If you'd like to be his proud owner you're going to have to enter a lottery, and if you're going to enter the lottery this is how you do so:

To enter lottery, please send the following to:  bob@plaseebo.net 

1.  Name

2.  Shipping Address

3.  Country

4.  Telephone Number

5.  PayPal Email Address

6.  Instagram ID

    Lottery winners will receive notification emails by Saturday August 17th. Figures will ship from the USA upon receipt of payment due by Tuesday August 20th.

USD $450. + $20. for US shipping OR $60. for world-wide shipping.

   The lottery closes this Friday and if you're not in it, you can't win it.  

Goldenrod Dinokitty from Mab Graves x 3DRetro

     I don't get bent out of shape very often if I happen to miss a toy release.  I tend toward look on the bright side like "I guess it wasn't meant to be" or "hey I can pay the gas bill now".  But let me tell you how gutted I was to miss out on the first Dinokitty release from Mab Graves and 3DRetro.  I almost Kyle'd all the drywall in the house and my wife had to talk me out of burning down the local Wal-Mart mostly because that's where we buy our groceries and not because she has some weird stance against arson.  I really wanted that toy.

     If you were as tormented by your lack of Dinokitty as I was then you'll be happy as a clam with what I'm about to tell you.  Or if you read title you probably already know and this part will be completely anticlimactic to you.  I apologize.  For everyone else, this Friday will see the second colorway of the elusive Dinokitty!!!!  Presented in beautiful goldenrod, this reptilian feline is limited to 250 pieces and will go on sale August 16th at noon pacific time.  I'll be at work, but I will coincidentally have to use the bathroom around this time.

Italian Stallion Edition Bear Champ from JC Rivera x UVD Toys x Tenacious Toys

    For all the history that's packed into the city of Philadelphia, tourists seem to love the steps leading up to the art museum more than anything else.  That's because they are the ones featured in the Rocky film that Sylvester Stallone runs up before looking down the Benjamin Franklin Parkway and into Center City.  No matter how bad the weather is you will see someone emulating the actions of their hero or posing for a picture with his bronze statue off to the side.  The last time we were there to go to the museum people were pissed because they were shooting the Shazam movie at the top of the steps and wouldn't let anyone else on them.  Can you imagine that was the one thing you wanted to do and some jerks are making a movie and don't want you ruining their shot?  I would have made sure they spent countless hours editing out my bare behind from every frame I could get it in.

    Who will be the first person to take this new Italian Stallion Edition Bear Champ to Philadelphia and pose him at the art museum?  You will automatically win Instagram if you do, but first you must obtain one of these figures that reminds me a little more of Butterbean than of Rocky.

They must go to the same gym.

     This big chunk of designer vinyl created by JC Rivera and UVD Toys and is an exclusive release for Tenacious Toys.  Standing 4 inches tall and hailing from part unknown, he is limited to only 200 pieces and will retail for $75.  You can get one when he is released this Friday, August 9th at noon eastern time at www.tenacioustoys.com.

Junkonotomo Sofubi Mini Series from Junk Mizuno x Tomenosuke

    These wee teeny sofubi figures from Junko Mizuno are great for a plethora of reasons.  For one, they allowed me to use the word "plethora" which is one of my all time favorites.  Secondly, they're like little bits of one of her paintings come to life, ready to run amok on unsuspecting viewers.  But thirdly, and maybe most importantly, they have the best names.  Just look at the picture and tell me they don't each have the most perfect names.  Each one is completely descriptive of its owner, allowing zero ambiguity.  Unlike the name Ted.  There's a lot of secrets hiding behind the name Ted.

     Tomenosuke has created this set out of glorious Japanese vinyl with the debut edition being in a melon colorway.  You'll have your chance at this pocket full of deviants when they go up for presale today, Friday August 2 at 7:59 am at this link.