You Know You've Been a Heathen, So Get Yourself a Krampus from Goodleg Toys

    I know you've been bad all year and it's not just cause I've got one of those drones with video recording capabilities that just happens to be wherever you are while still respecting the average retraining order distance just in case.  Actually, that would totally explain how I know, but I also know because you read this website.  You could be looking at pictures of baby animals, or learning how to fix your broken washing machine, but here you are, reading about goat men and laughing at the thought of them beating snotty little children.  It's why I love you.

    Goodleg Toys is offering up 3 different versions of everyone's favorite holiday devil this Saturday, December 5th at 6pm GMT over at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com.  Pick the one that's right for you and decorate a little differently this Christmas.  Now if they'd only make a giant inflatable version I could put on my lawn.

    

Shipwrecked Plunder Boys: Harr Hanchor Limited Edition from Goodleg Toys Available Now!!!!

    I can't tell if these dudes are ready to star in a crazy horror film or one of those late night movies that you can find on Cinemax (not that I can even stay up that late anymore, but I've heard stories).  Either way, it seems like massive amounts of booty is about to be plundered whenever Harr Hanchor is around.  Imagine how much more interesting Deadliest Catch would be if someone that looked like this was running one of those crab boats.  That show was cool at first but now its either "we found some crabs" or "we ain't got no crabs" or someone falls overboard succumbing to the cruel mistress that is the sea.  Throw this guy in the mix and now you've got yourself something worth watching.  This Bubble Gum edition of figures is available right now from the only guys who could come up with something this nuts, Goodleg Toys. Start building up your pirate crew at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com

Tricera-Tanks from Galaxxor x Goodleg Toys

    My wife and I live in a townhouse that unfortunately has other townhouses next to it, which I suppose is kind of the whole premise of townhouses.  They only provide us with one reserved parking spot, which is kinda bogus because our next door neighbor has decided to shack up with this ugly chick who insists on parking her car in the empty space next to ours every day, forcing us to drive around the block to find another spot for our second car.  It's not so bad except for the fact that she doesn't actually live there, but always manages to leave her car there for days at a time when it's going to snow.  There's nothing worse in this world than shoveling out a parking space only to have some other moron pull into it with no regard for your hard work.  Especially when that person only wears sweat suits.  If there's one thing I can't stand it's being insulted by someone with such a lazy fashion sense.  

    The problem may stem from the fact that my Hyundai Accent doesn't convey the brutal authority I need to reclaim what I had originally taken.  I need a Tricera Tank.  Yeah, I know they're not a vehicle per se, but I feel like a dinosaur covered in weapons of mass destruction could theoretically carry me to work and back.  We could just get him an oversized Baby Bjorn and I could ride to work safely strapped to his chest.  That's luxury my friends!  And if that woman insists on stealing the freshly shoveled spot that I made for my own personal use, I can vaporize her with one of the many on board weapons options I have at my disposal.  These are the things I day dream about.

    Galaxxor and Goodleg Toys have combined their toy making efforts to create some lizards that are strapped to the gills, mad as hell, and aren't gonna take it anymore.  Only 5 of these dudes were made with this color scheme and they will be available starting tomorrow at noon CDT from http://galaxxor.bigcartel.com/ .

Battlesaurs from Small Angry Monster x Goodleg Toys

    If this picture is not what the new Jurassic park movie is based on then I can guarantee I'll never see it.  This is why Hollywood sucks, because they'll never understand the need to have a big budget robot dinosaur movie.  They're so focused on remaking things that have already been successful that something this insane would probably send them into meltdown mode.  Who of you wouldn't go to see a movie with characters like this?  If we could mix in professional wrestling then we'd have an instant classic on our hands.  

   Movies will never be this cool, but thankfully we have the people at Goodleg Toys to keep the dream alive with their War on Prehis line of figures.  For these Battlesaurs they enlisted the help of Small Angry Monster to give them a super sick paint job.  These reptilian warriors go on sale Friday at 11pm GMT+1 (that's Berlin time) over at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/.

  

    

Goodleg Toys Presents The Masters of the Underworld

    You ever see professional wrestlers when they stop competing and they don't have to work out 13 times a day?  They shrivel right up and look like normal dudes.  When you're a skeleton you really have to stay up on your fitness game or you deflate like an untied balloon.  Just look at my boy Skeletor here.  Bro stops chasing He-Man around and he loses his physique.  Personally, I think he was juicing the whole time, but I'm not trying to get a lawsuit thrown my way.  I can't afford those legal fees.

     Goodleg Toys is proud to present their newest mash-up entitled Masters of the Underworld.  You can pick one of these carded versions for $65 (limited to 5 pieces each) or one of the $40 bagged versions (5 one colored pieces and 5 two color pieces).  They go on sale January 15th at 11am GMT time only through http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com

Badleg Krampus from Goodleg Toys

    You know what my favorite reality show is on tv?  If you guessed on of those "Real Housewives" shows you can punch yourself in the eye for me.  The correct answer is "Beyond Scared Straight" where they send seemingly tough little brats to a real prison and make them cry.  The best is when they kids don't even need a convicted murderer yelling in their faces about how much fun cuddle time is, but when they start hysterically sobbing just by putting on the jumpsuit.  And they're always the kids that are like "I'm in a gang yo, I'll kill anyone if they don't know how bad I am" and they stand all of five feet tall and maybe weigh 80 pounds.  It is hilarious when they go from "I'm the baddest mofo you've ever seen, I'm gonna run this prison" to "where's my momma, I need my momma."  It's way funnier than Two and a Half Men ever was.  

   Watching little thugs have an emotional breakdown is one of my favorite past times, but don't you wish we would adopt some preemptive measures in the United States to maybe curb their behavior before having to send them off to a day of jail food and orange jumpsuits?  Enter Krampus.  It's high time we adopted this Christmas devil as part of our own holiday celebrations.  A rumored decedent of Loki, ol Krampus isn't into trickery as much as he is into stuffing bad kids into a bag and wailing on them with a stick.  And we could make a reality show about it and laugh as they scream and cry when the goat man shows up at their house.  That's must see tv.

    Goodleg Toys are offering up a preorder right now of their version of St. Nicholas's more fun counterpart.  Go right now to http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/ and ensure you have a secret weapon to make your little ones eat their vegetables and clean their room without complaint.  

You're Gonna Need This. It's Shark Norris from Goodleg Toys

    Chuck Norris is already the most feared man on the planet, so what insane person would combine him with the most feared creature in the ocean thus creating mankind's doom?  Goodleg Toys of course!  They have totally disregarded the fact that Shark Norris is the most unstoppable killing machine ever dreamed of.  No tank can stop him from laying waste to his enemies, and he's gonna run out of those pretty quickly and therefore need new enemies, which is where the whole "humankind is screwed" thing comes from.  

    The carnage begins this Sunday, November 9th, when you can order your very own over at http://goodlegtoys.tumblr.com/.  

    

Hook The Enforcer Figure from Troma x Goodleg Toys

    World War II would have been a lot less eventful is the Nazis had actually taken up surfing.  They had a lot of hobbies, but none of them really on the "healthy" side.  Have you ever met an angry surfer?  I haven't.  They're all just too busy "shredding the gnar", or whatever it is that they get so excited about.  Honestly, I can't understand a thing they're saying, but my point is they keep themselves busy enough with their silly sayings and their skin cancer that they don't have time to think about trying to take over the world.  Which is why I am proposing a new division of the United States military that will focus on introducing new things for angry groups of folks to occupy themselves with.  I'm calling it the Arts and Crafts Brigade, but that's just a working title, and they will be in charge of setting up hobbies for militant groups that are giving us issues.  We're gonna start in the Middle East, where thousands of Bedazzlers and bags of sequins will be air dropped on enemy bases.  Once our foes start embellishing everything they own in semi-precious stones, they'll be too busy being fabulous to even worry about all that murder and mayhem nonsense.  Maybe we can teach North Korea the benefits and excitement that await them in the world of inline skating.  The possibilities are endless.  You can go ahead and mail me my Nobel Peace Prize.  

    Ok, so surfing really didn't do the trick in keeping calm the hooligans in Troma's Surf Nazis Must Die.  Or did it?  I'm not going to tell you and spoil the film. I'm not that kind of jerk.  I'm the kind of jerk that will tell you about the sweet action figures from Goodleg Toys featuring characters from this classic that I'm sure by now is archived in the Library of Congress.  Hook the Enforcer comes in two versions, the regular which you see above, and the Shark Edition, which you can see here:

    There are 30 of the regular and just 5 of the chase version, so get your hind parts over to http://goodlegtoys.tumblr.com/ and get one before they're gone.  

Muskolator Preorder from Goodleg Toys

  Bro, do you even lift?  I know I don't.  I lift the remote to turn the channel on the tv, but I don't think I'm gonna get too ripped doing that.  But on the bright side, if my arms don't get huge, I won't have to buy new shirts!!!  See, it's not just laziness, it makes perfect economic sense as well.   I would like to be able to instill fear into people just by walking into a room, but sometimes you can't live all of your dreams.  

    Muskolator isn't about that chill lifestyle.  He's about downing the 'roids, getting ripped, and beating up punks that don't call each other "bro".  Check out that little guy on his left fist?  He's got 3-D glasses on so he can get all the gory details as he's pounding your face meat into a pudding.  Who else but Goodleg Toys could come up with such a monstrosity?  No one, it was a rhetorical question.  You can preorder one of these suckers right this instant in two different versions.  You can order him bagged for $85, or you can order him carded with some sweet artwork for $105.  Make it happen at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/.  

Saur-O-Man and Battle Bone from Goodleg Toys

    Let me tell you something, when I go to the flea market, I go hard.  The wife and I had just arrived to browse through all the junk that people were trying to get rid of when I spotted a full size Tie Fighter Pilot helmet.  This sucker was hard plastic and it fit my giant melon.  It even had a spider living in it which may or may not have laid eggs in my ear.  That's added value!!!!  The guy could see I was interested in his fine piece of Star Wars memorabilia, and he kept asking me a bunch of nonsense like "sir, can you please take the helmet off and stop twerking on my customers?"  How am I supposed to know if an item will suite my needs if I don't give it a test run?  What an idiot.  So I was like fine, I'll play his game.  I asked him how much he wanted for it and he said $20.  I placed the helmet back on the table, gave him my "you so crazy" look and the price magically lowered to $15.  I thought it was a decent number, so I got a $20 bill from my wife and made that sucker give me change.  My favorite thing to do is pay in the amount you originally wanted and make you give me some back.  That's how you know I'm the boss and I won the flea market that day.  

    My wife took $15 and was able to buy some crazy homemade tree stump with a collage of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and the Pope, some other Russian icon picture, and two ammonite fossils.  I still won though, cause you can't booty dance with ancient dead animals. 

   You thought that story was gonna have absolutely nothing to do with dinosaurs didn't you?  I know you did and it's ok.  I wasn't sure it was going to either, but sometimes I just like to surprise myself.  Goodleg Toys are pumping out the action figures like...like...someone who makes a lot of action figures and stuff.  They have not one but two new releases happening tomorrow.  The first is Saur-O-Man (bonus points for a successful Lord of the Rings reference).  The second is Battle Bone, who looks ready to rage.  Get em both when they go on sale Wednesday at midnight GMT at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/.  

She-Drone from Goodleg Toys Dropping Tomorrow Night

    All of us dudes have gone through those lean times in our dating lives, where a pretty girl wouldn't talk to you if she was on fire and you were carrying jugs of water.  But always lurking around the bushes are those ladies whose outward appearance and inner personality can only be explained by their mothers dabbling in methamphetamine during pregnancy.  And you're kinda lonely so you start trying to justify reasons that would make going out with her look like a good idea.  Let me tell you a little story:

    Many moons ago when I was a young lad I went on a blind date with this girl that one of my coworkers (who in hindsight must have hated me) set up.  I knew I should have bailed the moment I went to pick her up and it turned out she lived with her dad in a camper and his only means of employment was sitting around with his shirt unbuttoned asking people if they wanted to buy "some good stuff."  Still, I was trying to be open minded (see also: lonely, desperate, kinda sad) and was promised that the girl was at least cute and nice.  Which she was both, but for those of you that are into setting other people up on dates here is a bit of advice:  it is always nice to know ahead of time if someone has a horribly contagious and incurable disease IN THEIR EYE.  This girl was sporting a pretty impressive collection of herpes sores next to her right eye and it's all that I could look at.  But being the nice guy I am I still took her out to lunch (cause I was hungry) and then pretended that something had slipped my mind and I really had to get her home so I could take care of it.  She was suspicious, but understanding and tried to lean over to give me a kiss goodbye as I was dropping her off.  I panicked.  All I could see where those things getting closer and closer to me and my future life as the Elephant Man.  I unbuckled my seat belt, opened the door and hopped out like I had just sat down on a rattlesnake.  I went around to her side, opened her door and told her I'd give her a call sometime.  Her phone may have rang afterward, but I was never on the other line.  

   A few years later I met the woman of my dreams and lived happily ever after.  My point in all of this is that this She-Drone from Goodleg Toys recalls my sketchy dating past.  While my memories are not fond nor are they easily worked through with the help of psychotherapy, I can appreciate that if I were to be involved in an intergalactic war I would probably want this chick on my side.  She will be available starting Friday at midnight over at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/.

Breaking Bad Meets Professional Wrestling? Sign Me Up, Goodleg Toys!!!

    It's no secret that professional wrestlers are notorious for using so called performance enhancements.  Those vitamins Hulk Hogan was always telling you to take didn't come in the form of chewable Flintstone characters.  What I'd really like to see is a wrestling league where everyone is doped up on illegal drugs and fight till no one has any teeth left.  Could you imagine a bunch of gross old meth heads beating the snot out of each other?  I can, and it is glorious.  I'm gonna start the CHWF, or Crack Head Wrestling Federation, make millions off of the pay per views, and retire to some European country.  

    The geniuses at Goodleg Toys have inspired my next entrepreneurial endeavor with the release of the second series of Tok-Sicko MehiKO.  One of the dude's names is actually El Meth-Ador, which I totally need in my new wrasslin company.  They also have some blank 3 packs so you can create your own luchador personas.  They're available now for $17 each of the two you see above, and $30 for the three packs at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/. They're all handmade and stuff too!  

Dino Knights Tricetan from Goodleg Toys

    Oh, look at you Mr. Steven Speilberg, going around and killing long extinct animals for your own sick pleasure.  You think your beach house would look nice with a giant triceratops head over your mantle? Well you're gonna regret that design faux pas soon, cause revenge is coming and it puts the triceps in triceratops, or something.

    Dino Knights aren't going to stand for such a horrendous crime, and they're sending their boy Tricetan to take care of business.  Just look at this prehistoric bro.  He's unstoppable and he's in a bad mood.  The folks at Goodleg Toys are gonna ensure dino pouching ends tonight as they unleash this beast at midnight GMT.  Join the fight by picking up this hand painted resin figure at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/.