The Nameless Beast "Witching Hour" Edition from John Kenn Mortensen x Unbox Industries

     

    The beast that plagues our world right now is far from nameless, and I hope with all of my being that he will be a thing of our ugly past very soon.  If you're an American and can vote please do it so we can all go back to fully appreciating fictional monsters the way God intended and stop being kept awake at night by the one's running our country.  

   John Kenn Mortensen's work with Unbox Industries has produced some of my favorite toy releases in the past few years.  They are freakier than anything my overactive imagination could have come up with as a kid when I heard noises outside of my window.  Had I thought The Nameless Beast was lurking within striking distance I would have given up hope of ever being old enough to experience the joys of arthritis.  

   This latest version is known as the Witching Hour edition and will be released this Saturday, which also just happened to be Halloween.  It's like they planned it that way or something.  Invite the monsters in starting at 11am eastern time only from store.unboxindustries.info.

The Many Headed Hag Preorder from John Kenn Mortensen x Unbox Industries

    With a name like "The Many Headed Hag" most of you probably think I'm going to make a joke about your mom.  Despite thinking that would be hilarious, it is rather low hanging fruit, and I'd like to think I have the maturity to rise above such things.  And even though I'd like to think it I'M COMPLETELY WRONG BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS A MANY HEADED HAG? YOUR MOM!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  

    I'm embarrassed for myself,  but despite having a name that resembles your mom, this figure from John Kenn Mortensen and Unbox Industries is something I would actually allow in my house...UNLIKE YOUR MOM!!!!! HAHAHAHA..I'm good...I'm good.  This thing is a nightmarish thing of beauty that will bring hours of terror and wonder to all who own one.  Standing nearly 10 inches tall this vinyl sculpture will go up for preorder beginning tomorrow (Saturday, May 16th) for $100.  They'll be available exclusively from http://store.unboxindustries.info.

The Unbox Industries Halloween Emporium Opens Today!!!!!

    Halloween is coming and for most people that means heading out to the store to buy decorations or digging a musty old box out of the attic that you only see once a year in order to bring the spirit of the holiday into your home.  I have no need of either because my entire home looks like Elvira was hired to design Pee Wee's Playhouse.  Every day passes for Halloween where I live, and there's no better way to keep that aesthetic year round than with some new toys to display.  

    Unbox Industries is opening their Halloween Emporium today at 6pm eastern time and will feature some brand new versions of some of the most twisted things they've ever produced.  Take a gander at what will be available and dig up the receipt for that boring junk you already bought to scare the neighbor kids.  

Three Witches: Skinner Edition Preorder from Unbox Industries

     With all these bozos trying to run for president you would think that maybe, just this once, someone would focus on an issue that is long in need of attention:  the lack of witch burnings.  Now you can't tell me that we stopped doing it cause we got em all, cause I don't believe that.  Or that it just fell out of fashion, cause what better thing can you think of to bring a community together than the warmth of a good witch burning in a carnival-like atmosphere with corn dogs and stuff?.  You got nothing.  And it's just not about the good times that are to be had, it's about all the evil doings that are, as of this posting, going unchecked.  Why just last week a woman was mad at me at work and I didn't poop right for a few days.  It's empirical evidence of a hex and I'm sure if I had some milking goats they would probably be dry right now as a result of said curse.  How can we allow this to continue?

   The tricky thing about witches is that they all don't stand out as readily as these that Skinner painted up.  They blend in, like that Miley Cyrus girl, so they could be amongst us right now!!!   John Kenn Mortensen and Unbox Industries made these old hags and you can preorder them from now until September 25 (or until the original allotted amount runs out).  Order some right now at http://store.unboxindustries.info and make them reveal the identities of their sisters in the black arts.  Also, make sure you have enough to lighter fluid, cause there's nothing that ruins a good ol witch burning like an absence of the actual burning part.  It's embarrassing.