Ahhhh it’s that time of year again, where we stress ourselves out to
find that perfect present for the ones we love. What’s that you say?
You haven’t finished your shopping yet? Well, if you’re in the highest of tax brackets, Neiman
Marcus has taken all of the worry out of holiday shopping with their annual
Christmas Book. If you’re not
wealthy enough to afford any of this, please join me in figuring out how to
weasel our way into Warren Buffet’s will.
“His and Her’s” Ultimate
Outdoor Entertainment System $1.5
million
I grew up down south, so I totally get the whole
concept of having your nicest furniture out on the lawn. I also am familiar with watching tv
outside, but that wasn’t because we were ultra fancy and throwing garden
parties while we watched The Bad Girls Club. It was because that’s as far as the extension cord would
stretch from the neigbor’s outlet.
Sure, we would have liked to have been all cozy in the living room, but
when you have to steal your electricity you learn to work around your
limitations.
Bespoke Global Falconry
Companion $150,000
I don’t get falconry. Ok, I don’t really even know what it
is. Sure, I could have looked it
up, but I might find out I like it and that would make it harder to make fun
of. Stop judging me.
From what I gather about
falconry, you some how obtain a falcon by putting your arm out and then you put
a little hat on it to shame him.
This is how rich people pass the time while they talk about rich things
like stock portfolios and indoor plumbing. Basically you get all of the things you see in the picture,
except for the girl and the actual falcons. So do you just set this up in your backyard and wait for the
falcons to see it and realize that you know how to party? Or maybe it comes with a coupon
and you have to send away for your falcons like you do sea monkeys. Maybe they’re all just dude falcons and
are attracted by the scent of blonde models. For this much money I shouldn’t be left with so many
questions. Let’s move on.
Ciclotte $11,000
Oh, it looks like we’ve
reached the clearance section. I’d
be totally down with this giant bicycle wheel if it could actually go
somewhere. Craigslist is
full of information on how you can obtain exercise bikes from the side of the
road for free, so this sucker needs to be much more compelling if they want my
$11,000. It doesn’t even come with
one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklaces that you’re gonna need
when you start using this in ways that were unattended, i.e. ways that would
actually make it fun.
Forevermark Ultimate Diamond Experience $1.85 million
Yeah, you get a
fancy diamond ring that they cut for you all custom like, but the part I was
excited about was having dinner in The Tower of London. I say “was” because in my head the
dinner was gonna take place on the block where they seperated Ann Boleyn from
her head. Then I found out that
they actually have cafes all throughout the place, taking away any charm that
could have been had from eating my chicken nuggets at the site of famous
executions. Jerks.
The Glass House
Experience $30,000
Ahh, another gift for those
of us on a budget. The gist is you
get to hang out with some famous architect. Lame. They should
let you hang out with the Hell’s Angels and let you get in a bar fight. Then afterwards you’ll get a prison
style tattoo and shank your worst enemy with a homemade knife. That is by far more exciting than
sitting in some dude’s house that is completely see through. Isn’t that just begging for peeping
toms? Do peeping toms still exist
or am I showing my age?
Indian Larry’s “Wild Child”
Motorcycle $750,000
Oh good Lord in Heaven I want
this! Ok, I know I’ve been kind of
a weiner about all the other stuff, but this, my friends, is worth being rich
for. I remember watching him build
this sucker on tv and wanting it sooooooooooooo bad. You win this round Neiman Marcus.
Jeff Koon’s Dom Perignon
Balloon Venus $20,000
The real kick to the pants is
that none of that fancy champagne is included, which would no doubt make the
sculpture a lot better. Don’t get
me wrong, I love art, but I can’t do anything with this trumped up version of a
balloon animal. You really
don’t even get one bottle?
The Neiman Marcus 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Volante $344,500
Ok, they’ve got
two things on this list that I would slap your grandma to own. Being that my car has more miles on it
than an elderly hooker, I wouldn’t mind trading up to the car that even James
Bond wants to own. Plus they all come
with machine guns hidden behind the headlights right? Not that it matters, because this car has a V-12
engine that pumps out enough horsepower to drop panties in a 100 mile radius. That, my friends, is a true secret
weapon.
