GeekWok from UME Toys Releases Tonight!

    Ahhhh time to get back to work.  I hope you all had a good Christmas and didn't get stuck with lots of socks or pink bunny footie pajamas.  I've thus far managed to get toys every year of my life and I plan on keeping up that level of consistency until I'm dead.  You have to have goals.

    Look at this GeekWok from UME Toys.  Now is he really a geek, or is he one of those hipsters that think if they wear big glasses that people will find them interesting?  Ewoks would have been the perfect hipsters because they were already growing their own food and taking Instagram pictures out in the forrest long before it was cool.  This guy looks legit though, and he's probably the one that designed all their fancy tree houses.  Only 20 of these hand made dudes exist and the go on sale today at 9pm GMT through http://umetoys.bigcartel.com/.

Epic Christmas Review Time Extravaganza: Sumo Trooper from Kris Dulfer/Kid Ink Industries

    It always surprises me that sumo wrestling wasn't invented here.  We invented Burger King, stretch pants, and the Wing Bowl, which packs 20,000 into a stadium to watch people eat chicken as fast as they can.  Sumo seems like a no brainer.  But, since this is America, if we didn't invent it we sure as hell are gonna improve on it.  How much more awesome would sumo wrestling be if everyone wore Storm Trooper helmets?  That's a trick question because it is a known fact that everything, no matter what it is, is more awesome when Star Wars characters are involved.  Try and find something that's not and I'll make sure to send doctors to your house and declare you legally dead.  

   Kris Dulfer of Kid Ink Industries is doing his civic duty by banging out these Sumo Troopers.  These little resin dudes are insane.  He hooked me up with this one while back and I love it.  I took him outside today for a while to really charge up his special glow feature and that sucker was so bright I'm thinking about throwing my lamps out and just getting a bunch of these.

    Look at that dude shine!  It may be filled with magic, I dunno how these things work.  I'm just a simple toy bloggin bro.  What I do know (see how I just transitioned there?  that's called literature son) is that he just loaded his store up with a bunch of one-offs of these.  There's all kinds of different colors to pick from.  All you gotta do is go to http://kidinkindustries.storenvy.com/, pick one out, and place your order.  

    If you've never owned a hand made toy like this you're really missing out.  There's no factory or heavy machinery involved, you're buying a piece of art directly from the artist.  There's just a different feel about them when you realize the hard work that one lone person did to make this happen.  Kris is a master at his craft and his pieces never cease to blow me away, and they're even better in person.  

Frankenstein's Monster Bust from Plaseebo

    Of course this bust of Frankenstein's Monster from Plaseebo look great on your shelf, but you can also use it to defend yourself during a home invasion.  This is nine inches tall and made of solid resin that weighs in at four pounds.  Now that might now seem like a lot, but smack some fool upside the head with it and you'll only need the cops to show up to remove the body.  Not that this is marketed as a weapon, but I like to try and find the hidden added value.  It's the same technique I use when the wife and I shop for things for the house.  

"In an emergency, could we use this to kill a man?"

Sharon weighs the object in her hand, then stares inquisitively at my head.

"I think it would crack a skull."

End scene.

   Plaseebo only made three of these and they will be released at www.plaseebo.net/webstore/ on Christmas Day.  

Christmas MonstreApes from Monstrehero

    Forget that Elf on the Shelf nonsense, this Christmas it's all about monkeys!  Let's start a new tradition, where if you're a rotten little heathen all year, the Christmas Ape climbs down your chimney instead of Santa and puts a handful of his own homemade coal in your stocking.  But a little poop in your sock isn't going to stop you from being a terrible person right?  Well, after he drops the ol yule log, he brings the stocking to your bedroom and beats you about the head with it.  Maybe that will make those little brats think twice about trying to run down an upwards moving escalator at the mall.  And speaking of escalator safety, don't stop once you get off the escalator and then determine where you want to go.  Move over to the side so other people are able to get off of those death stairs.  I had to push a dude out of the way because he was barely off of the thing and looking around like it took him to some alien world.  

    Back to business.  Ask for Christmas Apes, and ye shall receive.  Monstrehero just loaded some of these festive primates into their store and they're ready to spread the holiday cheer/poop in your stocking.  Look, they're even holding little Christmas ornaments!  And they're pee pee is out.  You're getting the full monkey experience with these dudes.  Get one for yourself or a loved one at http://monstrehero.bigcartel.com/. 

Mako Knight from Skinner to Benefit PangeaSeed

    Like all aspects of life, things need to maintain a delicate balance.  And being that people can be greedy morons, this is difficult to achieve.  Healthy oceans are essential to sustaining life on earth, but we regularly pollute them and over fish them in the name of making a buck.  PangeaSeed has teamed up with artists all over the world to help raise money and awareness to protect our world's oceans.  Skinner created this Mako Knight figure a few months back but there are still some available to purchase through http://shop.pangeaseed.org/.  Only 25 were produced and for a mere $60 you get an awesome toy and you're helping make the world a little bit better.  See, and you thought I was just full of jokes.  I can be serious too.  

Toy Art Gallery Exclusive Jyujin from GEEK! and Medicom Toys

    This dude kinda freaks me out.  I bet if you don't recycle your cans he'll come around to your house punch you in the face.  And then when you come too you'll realize that he's let squirrels move into your kitchen.  Throw your recyclables in the proper receptacle people!!!

    This is Jyujin.  He was created by GEEK!, produced by Medicom, and is an exclusive to Toy Art Gallery.  He goes on sale tomorrow, December 18th, at noon Pacific time from http://shop.toyartgallery.com/.  He stands a full foot tall so you're gonna have to get rid of some of your Nicholas Sparks books to fit him on your shelf.  

Breaking Down the 2013 Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts

    Ahhhh it’s that time of year again, where we stress ourselves out to find that perfect present for the ones we love.  What’s that you say?  You haven’t finished your shopping yet?  Well, if you’re in the highest of tax brackets, Neiman Marcus has taken all of the worry out of holiday shopping with their annual Christmas Book.  If you’re not wealthy enough to afford any of this, please join me in figuring out how to weasel our way into Warren Buffet’s will. 

“His and Her’s” Ultimate Outdoor Entertainment System  $1.5 million

    I grew up down south, so I totally get the whole concept of having your nicest furniture out on the lawn.  I also am familiar with watching tv outside, but that wasn’t because we were ultra fancy and throwing garden parties while we watched The Bad Girls Club.  It was because that’s as far as the extension cord would stretch from the neigbor’s outlet.  Sure, we would have liked to have been all cozy in the living room, but when you have to steal your electricity you learn to work around your limitations.  

Bespoke Global Falconry Companion  $150,000

    I don’t get falconry.  Ok, I don’t really even know what it is.  Sure, I could have looked it up, but I might find out I like it and that would make it harder to make fun of.  Stop judging me.

    From what I gather about falconry, you some how obtain a falcon by putting your arm out and then you put a little hat on it to shame him.  This is how rich people pass the time while they talk about rich things like stock portfolios and indoor plumbing.  Basically you get all of the things you see in the picture, except for the girl and the actual falcons.  So do you just set this up in your backyard and wait for the falcons to see it and realize that you know how to party?   Or maybe it comes with a coupon and you have to send away for your falcons like you do sea monkeys.  Maybe they’re all just dude falcons and are attracted by the scent of blonde models.  For this much money I shouldn’t be left with so many questions.  Let’s move on.

Ciclotte $11,000

    Oh, it looks like we’ve reached the clearance section.  I’d be totally down with this giant bicycle wheel if it could actually go somewhere.   Craigslist is full of information on how you can obtain exercise bikes from the side of the road for free, so this sucker needs to be much more compelling if they want my $11,000.  It doesn’t even come with one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklaces that you’re gonna need when you start using this in ways that were unattended, i.e. ways that would actually make it fun.

Forevermark  Ultimate Diamond Experience  $1.85 million

   Yeah, you get a fancy diamond ring that they cut for you all custom like, but the part I was excited about was having dinner in The Tower of London.  I say “was” because in my head the dinner was gonna take place on the block where they seperated Ann Boleyn from her head.  Then I found out that they actually have cafes all throughout the place, taking away any charm that could have been had from eating my chicken nuggets at the site of famous executions.   Jerks.

The Glass House Experience  $30,000

    Ahh, another gift for those of us on a budget.  The gist is you get to hang out with some famous architect.  Lame.  They should let you hang out with the Hell’s Angels and let you get in a bar fight.  Then afterwards you’ll get a prison style tattoo and shank your worst enemy with a homemade knife.  That is by far more exciting than sitting in some dude’s house that is completely see through.  Isn’t that just begging for peeping toms?  Do peeping toms still exist or am I showing my age?

Indian Larry’s “Wild Child” Motorcycle  $750,000

    Oh good Lord in Heaven I want this!  Ok, I know I’ve been kind of a weiner about all the other stuff, but this, my friends, is worth being rich for.  I remember watching him build this sucker on tv and wanting it sooooooooooooo bad.  You win this round Neiman Marcus.

Jeff Koon’s Dom Perignon Balloon Venus $20,000

    The real kick to the pants is that none of that fancy champagne is included, which would no doubt make the sculpture a lot better.  Don’t get me wrong, I love art, but I can’t do anything with this trumped up version of a balloon animal.   You really don’t even get one bottle? 

The Neiman Marcus 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish Volante  $344,500

     Ok, they’ve got two things on this list that I would slap your grandma to own.  Being that my car has more miles on it than an elderly hooker, I wouldn’t mind trading up to the car that even James Bond wants to own.  Plus they all come with machine guns hidden behind the headlights right?   Not that it matters, because this car has a V-12 engine that pumps out enough horsepower to drop panties in a 100 mile radius.  That, my friends, is a true secret weapon.