Glow in The Dark MadBattleMan and BattleRat from Mike Sutfin

    Sometimes you just need to buy something mean looking.  There's only but so much cuteness I can tolerate before I need to listen to Cannibal Corpse and hunt for skulls in the woods.  I'm watching the news the other day and they're talking about some little dude that wants to carry a My Little Pony backpack to school but they won't let him cause they're like "dude, people are gonna shove your head into the toilets so hard" and they're right.  I don't get kids anymore.  When I was little I wanted to be an archeologist so I could dig up ancient dead people and I wanted stuff with wrestling and GI Joe and Star Wars on it.  

    Ok, yeah I like cutesy things sometimes.  Like my cats, they're all pretty cute.  But you gotta have a balance there my friends.  This MadBattleMan and BattleRat from Mike Sutfin are the perfect things to add to your collection and celebrate your dark side.  And they glow in the dark too, like they're filled with some ancient spirits who are begging for you to release them.  Both are up for preorder right now at http://sutfin.bigcartel.com/.

Mayari Dunnys from Otto Bjornik x Kidrobot

    File this under things that are long overdue.  Anyone who has even a remote interest in designer toys has seen the work of Otto Bjornik.  His stunning customs have collectors all around the world drooling on their keyboards every time he posts a new one up.  Kidrobot will finally be making his work available to us all with these 3 inch production Dunnys.  The black version will be available at your favorite retailer, while the red one will only be available through Kidrobot's website and their stores.  Get em both (like I will be) when they are released on March 27th.  

Junior: Dark Knight Edition from Lou Pimentel x myplasticheart Available Today

    Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Bat....thingy.  Lou Pimentel x myplasticheart present the Dark Knight edition of Junior, this adorable little blood sucker that may or may not kill you with cuteness.  Celebrate Wednesday by picking one of these little dudes up at http://www.myplasticheart.com/.  

Slugbeard Hand Painted Edition from Paul Kaiju x Toy Art Gallery

    Do I actually have a story about slugs or beards that I can relate to this toy's name?  Of course I do, don't be silly.  Here goes.

    In the first apartment my wife and I shared we had a lot of outside critters that wanted to becoem inside critters.  There was this one cat that would just walk in the front door whenever I tried to leave for work and go hide under the bed.  He was always covered in cuts, missing patches of hair, and even had a dangly tooth.  I was like "look bro, you gotta get your life together if you want to stay in this house" but he was more about that street life, so he had to stay outside.  We had a few snakes come in through a hole in the baseboards in our kitchen/dining area.  I'd catch them in my wife's Tupperware before tossing their butts back outside, then she'd always wonder why her Tupperware went missing and I'd be all like "I had to throw it out cause it was full of snakes", which at the time seemed like a valid argument.  

    But our best visitor, by far, was introduced to us by our cat Icarus, who had found him behind our couch.  He likes to eat things that he shouldn't, like shoe strings, yarn, and Thai food, so when we heard him slurping something down we thought it would be something run of the mill that we'd have to take from him.  Instead, it was a slug.  He was sucking the slime off of the back end of a giant slug.  Literally, the front half of the slug was nice and shiny, while the back half was bone dry.  My wife threw up as I plucked the poor little guy from the carpet and returned him to the wild.  And that my friends, is my slug story.  Oh, and I had a pretty gnarly beard the whole time this was going on, so there you go.

    If you're still with me, I'd now like to tell you about Slugbeard.  This monstrosity who looks like he has risen from the deep to make us all pay for knowing who Kim Kardashian is, was created by Paul Kaiju and produced by Toy Art Gallery.  And when I say monstrosity I mean it, cause this sucker is over a foot tall and nearly as wide.  This edition was hand painted by Mr. Kaiju himself and is only available to you if you enter a lottery beginning tomorrow (Thursday, May 20th) at noon Pacific time. The lottery will win you the opportunity to purchase one of these suckers, which will run you $250.  You only have until Friday at noon to decide whether you're man enough to enter the drawing.  Here's how you do it:

Email sales@toyartgallery.com with “Slugbeard Lottery” as the subject along with your paypal address and shipping info. If selected you will be sent an invoice for payment. Please allow 24 hours for a response after the closing time (Friday 12PM PST). Winners will be chosen at random, one entry per participant please (if you submit more than once you will be disqualified).

"Purple Haze" Edition Bullet Belt from Skinner and Unbox Industries

    Sharon and I decided that we were gonna start watching wrestling again.  Well, I think I decided and she just rolled her eyes and was thankful that I have something else to occupy me.  It speaks to my authentic personal brand, cause I like violence, and crazy over the top production, and redneck stuff.  But not all redneck stuff, cause I don't like hunting, or kissing my sister, but the rest of it is ok.  

    So now I'm gonna do the rest of this post as if I was recording a sweet promo with Mean Gene.  Here is his picture so you can get a good mental reference of what's going down. 

    And even though I'm not typing in all caps, know that I am yelling and my voice is about to give out but it's the passion of the Vikingmaniacs that is fueling me.  

Mean Gene:  "Toy Viking, tell us about your rise to dominance in the squared circle."

    "Well Mean Gene, when I was growing up in parts unknown, I wasn't well supervised you see.  I was left to my own devices, in a cold unforgiving world, to become the man I am today.  I didn't have role models.  Well, not positive ones at least.  But I said my prayers, I took my vitamins, and I cut all of my jeans into these awesome shorts where the pockets hang out of the bottom and it shows off my collection of homemade tattoos (camera pans to let you gander at my sweet shorts).  But the thing that led me to the WWE, that made me the most feared man in all of sports entertainment, is Bullet Belt.  Let me tell you brother, Bullet Belt put me through the paces.  We trained together in junk yards, we foraged for food in the desert, we ripped trees up from their roots in the forests."  

  

    "Now through the power of Skinner and Unbox Industries, all the little Vikingmaniacs can get their own wrestling guru, in special Purple Haze edition.  Like my buddy Ric Flair always says Mean Gene, in order to be the man, you gotta beat the man, and brother, the man has Bullet Belt in his corner.  And cut off shorts, cause you gotta strut, know what I'm sayin.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

   
Mean Gene:  "Well there you have it folks, the secret to The Toy Viking's success is one big, mean lookin, plastic toy.  Will this spell the end of The Toy Vikings reign of terror, or is he so confident in his abilities that this secret is just part of the equation?"

End scene.

Preorder yours now from http://unboxindustries.co.uk.

Skinner Unleashes The Cave Crawler!!!!

    Well this is frightening.  See, you wanna scare kids into not doing stuff, this is what you need to use. 

    "Oh, you wanna smoke that reefer and hang out in abandoned buildings conjuring spirits?   THIS is the consequence."

     We could go back and put these guys in text books, make up fake police reports about people being attacked by them, and you could pretty much guarantee your kids will be better behaved.  

    "Look Timmy, stop hitting your sister or I'll take you to the woods and leave you for the Cave Crawlers."  Timmy is instantly well behaved.

     Children these days need stuff to be afraid of.  They're not scared of the cops and they're not scared of their parents cause they'll call the cops on em if they get yelled at.  But Cave Crawlers demand respect as they nibble your face off.

    These frightening skull/spider thingys were created by Skinner.  He sculpted them, and painted them, and even put little fresh water pearls in their eye sockets.  As if that wasn't enough they even come with a few severed limbs and their own creepy cave dwelling just to drive home the point that these are some bad dudes.  They are limited to 15 pieces for $100 each and go on sale at www.theartofskinner.com tomorrow (Wednesday, March 19th) at noon Pacific time.  That's cheaper and less sketchy than getting your little spawn of Satan a lobotomy.  

St. Patrick's Day Pork Dumplings from Shawnimals x myplasticheart

    Here's a way to celebrate your Irish heritage without getting into a bar fight or becoming a soccer hooligan.  And it's cheaper than bail money!  It's a St. Patrick Day Pocket Pork Dumpling from Shawnimals x myplasticheart.  They're on sale right this instant at http://www.myplasticheart.com/.  Now I have to go shovel snow.  Again.