Help Rob Zombie Make His New Film and Get Stuff You Can't Live Without!

    For some reason Rob Zombie never calls me to be involved in his movies.  No matter how long I sit by the phone, or how many of his pictures on Instagram I like, I have yet to be able to quit my day job and start my new life as a horror movie villain.  You're killing me Rob, cause I'm so ready for this!!!!!!!   Part of it might have to do with the fact that he doesn't know my phone number, or that I've never pursued acting at all, but those are just minor hiccups.  

   As my therapist once said, I may be a bit delusional, but now I actually have a chance to be in Rob Zombie's next film.  And so do you, and your mom, and her weird boyfriend.  Mr. Zombie has launched a new website to help fund his next film, 31.  As you can see from the picture above, it's gonna involve some clowns that are sick to death or making ballon animals.  Here's a little bit more about the movie:

     "It is the story of five random people kidnapped on the five days leading up to Halloween and held hostage in a place called Murder World. While trapped inside this man-made Hell they must fight to survive playing the most violent game known to man... a game called 31." 

   And I'm sold!!!!!!  How cool is it that you could have a hand in making this happen?  Take yourself and your credit card information to www.rz-31.com and get some pretty cool rewards for your donation.  Everything from signed posters and dvds, to props from Halloween and House of 1,000 Corpses, and you could even be an extra in the film!  Let me tell you something, if you take a girl to see this movie and your ugly mug pops up on the screen you are guaranteed to have an eventful night, even if you had to pick her up on the back of your moped.  It's amazing what superstardom can do for your love life.  Do you think it's cool if I start a crowd funding site so I can raise money to donate it to this project and be in the film?  Did I just win the internet with this idea?  Finally, my cats will be impressed with me!  

Summer Sametan 2 Pre Order from Cometdebris

    Are you gonna watch Sharknado 2 tonight?  Of course you are, why would I be so silly.  This past Sunday Sharon and I binged watched all these really cheesy shark movies on the Syfy Channel.  I love the random people they get to be in them.  Brooke Hogan (Hulk's daughter) was in two of them, way to get type cast there, and Steve Urkel was in one, and Debbie Gibson.  I've never acted in anything in my life and I'm pretty sure I could easily be in one of these films.  It can't take more than a few days to make a movie about a two headed murderous great white shark, so I could just use some of my vacation time, become a bad movie star, then go into hiding when everyone makes fun of me.  Sounds like a plan!

    I'm gonna need to practice my shark fighting skills, cause I don't want to be one of those scrubs that gets eaten first.  I could start small, like on one of these Summer Sametans from Cometdebris.  I'm pretty sure I could take him, plus he's already filled his entire body with all sorts of sea life so he shouldn't be hungry for my sweet meat.  They're available for pre order from now until August 8th at 7pm Pacific Time.  A portion of the proceeds will benefit PangeaSeed, who are helping to save sharks and conserve our oceans.   

    

We Become Monsters Presents: Bog Boy

    This is the precise reason it is important to not have standing water in your yard.  They tell you it's bad because mosquitos will lay eggs and then inject you with horrible diseases while they steal your blood, which kinda sucks too.  But one night you'll be having a bbq with the family and all of a sudden a creature such as this will rise from that makeshift pond you meant to fill in and you'll have to abandon your home and all your worldly possessions and run in terror, all the while the Bog Boy just wanted to tell you how good your hamburgers smelled and ask for cooking tips so he stopped burning his.  

    As human beings we have an irrational fear of people whose skin appears to be melting off and who live in swamps.  Help break down those barriers by welcoming Bog Boy into your home.  If you live in the Las Vegas area you can pick up this newest creation from We Become Monsters in person, or for the rest of us you can utilize www.webecomemonsters.com to get one.  

   

Universal Monsters Pop! Vinyl from Funko

    Remember the simpler times, when the only monsters you had to be scared of were these guys, and not your creepy neighbor with the mugshot and extensive criminal record you found while doing a Google search?  Back in the day you had to learn your neighbor was a creep the hard way: when the cops and the news team showed up.  But these guys were still way scarier according to my partially repressed memory.  

    This September you can relive all the fun/excitement/terror of Universal Monsters with these Pop! Vinyl figures from Funko.  Because of all the cool stuff they make I may never be able to retire, but I'll have the best toy collection of any of my geriatric friends.  

Breaking Bad Meets Professional Wrestling? Sign Me Up, Goodleg Toys!!!

    It's no secret that professional wrestlers are notorious for using so called performance enhancements.  Those vitamins Hulk Hogan was always telling you to take didn't come in the form of chewable Flintstone characters.  What I'd really like to see is a wrestling league where everyone is doped up on illegal drugs and fight till no one has any teeth left.  Could you imagine a bunch of gross old meth heads beating the snot out of each other?  I can, and it is glorious.  I'm gonna start the CHWF, or Crack Head Wrestling Federation, make millions off of the pay per views, and retire to some European country.  

    The geniuses at Goodleg Toys have inspired my next entrepreneurial endeavor with the release of the second series of Tok-Sicko MehiKO.  One of the dude's names is actually El Meth-Ador, which I totally need in my new wrasslin company.  They also have some blank 3 packs so you can create your own luchador personas.  They're available now for $17 each of the two you see above, and $30 for the three packs at http://goodlegtoys.storenvy.com/. They're all handmade and stuff too!  

Mayor 4 Crack Kickstarter from Mindzai

    That Toronto mayor seems like a fun guy.  See, in America we all assume that our politicians must be smoking crack based on some of the horrible crap they do, but in Canada they freely admit to it!  We remember Rob Ford, getting caught on tape talking about all his crazy hijinks.  Then he refused to resign despite everyone trying to get him out of there.  Has anyone ever tried reasoning with a crackhead?  It should be an Olympic sport.  

    Now the folks at Mindzai are trying to immortalize him forever in plastic form as part of a new Kickstarter campaign.  I can freely admit that I never once thought about the guy becoming a toy, but it's kinda practical really.  Whenever you're feeling bad about yourself you could look at this guy and think "well, at least I'm not smoking crack and the laughingstock of an entire nation yet"  You'll be amazed at how much brighter that will make your day.  To get in on this campaign and help bring this figure into the real world, check out this link.  

I'm Back From Not Being at Comic Con!!

    I'm back from my "I'm not at comic con so I have nothing to really talk about" mini vacation!!!!  Did you miss me?  Are you even still reading this after seeing the most horrific picture I've ever found on the internet?  That bro is ready for battle/Fashion Week.  Is it more horrifying that he is dressed this way or that he actually knows someone else and convinced them to take this picture?  Do you think that person is still alive or in a few different pieces in a lonely basement freezer?  Whenever I go to conventions I'm usually stuck in line near someone like this and wondering what I did to deserve such punishment/why didn't I bring a can of Lysol with me.