Freaks, Kinks, and Spazzes Preorder from Radioactive Uppercut Happening Tonight!

    I went to the doctor today and when I entered the room this is what I saw:

    Now let me expand on this a bit more.  While this would be a horrifying sight for any man to stumble upon, what made it worse was the fact that I was at the urologist having a follow up from The Great Kidney Stone Disaster of 2015 (as it's been dubbed in the media).  So be you man or woman, the only place this stuff was gonna end up was somewhere that would traumatize you (and make your pee hurt) for days to come.  I know what goes on in these places, heck I've got some stories that would make you put a pad lock on your jeans and hide in a closet, but I really don't need to see the aftermath of someone's urinary tract pain.  Hell, the hotel we stayed at in Brooklyn for Summerslam had better maid service than this, and there was a damn lucite wall between the tub and the bed.  I didn't go anywhere near this exam table except to take this picture and after than I parked my behind as far away as the architecture of the building would allow.  I wish they had comment cards so I could have rated the state of the room, cause urethra jelly and a box of tissues is worse than finding a dead body.  

    As you may have figured out, that story was just something I really had to share and has nothing at all to do with the toys you see pictured.  I view stories like this in the same way filmmakers viewed that VHS tape from the ring.  You gotta pass that trauma on if you want to have any peace.  Now, back to business.

    Radioactive Uppercut is opening up preorders tonight for his latest creations: Freak, Kinks, and Spazzes.  Those three little dudes are adorable in a gross way, kinda like your mom, and like I said before you can get your hands on them tonight at 8pm eastern time (also like your mom).  They were expertly sculpted by David Arshawsky of Turtle Milk Studios and are being cast in soft resin by Tru:Tek of Disart ToyLabs, which basically means they're of the utmost quality.  These little dudes stand 3 inches tall and are available individually for $30, or as a set for $87.  Look how cute they are, you wouldn't dare think of separating them from their friends would you?  Or are you one of those people who would see two kittens and just adopt one of them?  Don't be a sicko.  Do the right thing tonight by visiting http://radioactiveuppercut.storenvy.com.  

Get A Second Shot at Jim Phillip's Screaming Hand from Kidrobot

    Have you ever seen those tumors that sprout teeth and hair and really freak my wife out?  Or those little stone babies that people carry around for years without even knowing it?  Those are nothing compared to sprouting a second mouth on your palm.  Think about it: those other two things are quiet. They may creep you out, they may cause you a bit of physical discomfort, but they won't scream all day long.  Or worse than screaming, what if it just wanted to bore you to death all day by telling you the same stupid stories, prefaced with "did I tell you about the time."  If you think you need to begin a story with the phrase "did I tell you about the time" then yeah, you already did.  I know someone who has told me the same mundane tales so many times I started finishing them for her every time she repeats one.  I can tell you just about anything you would ever need to know about her grown children, people that have died, what was on sale at Target in 1996, or her every career she ever had.  Contrary to my best efforts I have managed to store the most minute details in every dark corner of my brain and can rattle them off like some savant doing algebra problems.

    Is there any wonder that someone severed this sucker just above the wrist?  Who knows where Jim Phillip's Screaming Hand began its life, but it's most certainly ending it sans the rest of the human form.  This iconic logo from Santa Cruz Skateboards was recreated in glorious vinyl by Kidrobot and released earlier this year, at which time it quickly sold out.  People were pissed that they couldn't get one so now you'll have a second chance on Thursday to welcome this into your life.  Pick one up tomorrow wherever you like to buy your toys or at www.kidrobot.com.  

Three Witches: Skinner Edition Preorder from Unbox Industries

     With all these bozos trying to run for president you would think that maybe, just this once, someone would focus on an issue that is long in need of attention:  the lack of witch burnings.  Now you can't tell me that we stopped doing it cause we got em all, cause I don't believe that.  Or that it just fell out of fashion, cause what better thing can you think of to bring a community together than the warmth of a good witch burning in a carnival-like atmosphere with corn dogs and stuff?.  You got nothing.  And it's just not about the good times that are to be had, it's about all the evil doings that are, as of this posting, going unchecked.  Why just last week a woman was mad at me at work and I didn't poop right for a few days.  It's empirical evidence of a hex and I'm sure if I had some milking goats they would probably be dry right now as a result of said curse.  How can we allow this to continue?

   The tricky thing about witches is that they all don't stand out as readily as these that Skinner painted up.  They blend in, like that Miley Cyrus girl, so they could be amongst us right now!!!   John Kenn Mortensen and Unbox Industries made these old hags and you can preorder them from now until September 25 (or until the original allotted amount runs out).  Order some right now at http://store.unboxindustries.info and make them reveal the identities of their sisters in the black arts.  Also, make sure you have enough to lighter fluid, cause there's nothing that ruins a good ol witch burning like an absence of the actual burning part.  It's embarrassing.

Star Wars "Force Friday" Recap or Why I Am So Tired Today

    Despite what I said yesterday about not being able to stay up late, I couldn't stand looking at all the pictures of the new Star Wars toys online and not participate.  So when my wife got home from work this is what ensued:

Me:  "Hey babe, I'm sorry you had such a hard day at work, why don't we go out to eat tonight."  

Sharon:  "Oh, that's so sweet of you, let me go and get changed."

Me: "Shut up squid man, you're killing my game here."

    So we have a nice dinner and on the way home we stop by Toys R Us to see how they're setting up for the new toys.  There are signs everywhere and empty shelves teasing us with their promised bounty later in the night.  We go home, watch a bit of tv and then I start showing her people's Instagram posts with all of their bounty.  Next thing you know this happens:

Sharon:  "If you want we could totally go to Toys R Us to check it out tonight."

    Next thing you know we're standing outside with fellow nerds waiting to buy toys for a movie we haven't even seen yet.  It was kind of like a mini comic con moment, though much less smelly.  The first thing we see as we enter are these giant Stormtrooper and Darth Vader figures:

    I'd say they were about 4 feet tall and priced at $100, which is pretty reasonable considering their size.  While the temptation was strong, I didn't want to get caught up in the moment and buy everything in sight.  In fact I was so restrained this is the totality of what I purchased:

    That's it.  A lone Captain Phasma Pop! Vinyl for $10.  The commemorative Lego brick was free at the door and the main reason I wanted to go to Toys R Us.  It has the date on the back of it so one day I can reflect on my life and say "I stayed up way past my adult bed time to look at action figures."  Everyone in the nursing home will be impressed.  

New Robo Tops from Inami Toyland Releasing Tonight

    The most playing I ever do with the toys I collect are when I dust them; which, in the interest of transparency, is not very often.  I'm on a once per calendar year dusting plan, or whenever the dust gets so thick I start to forget what the actual object is supposed to look like.  The bonus though, is once you wipe away all those accumulated dead skin cells it's like having something that's brand new all over again.  And who doesn't love that feeling?  So, to summarize, I am making myself happy on the occasions I do clean by lengthening the time in between actual cleanings.  Suck on that, Freud.

    You never need to worry about Robo Tops from Inami Toyland collecting dust, cause the whole point of these resin dudes is that you play with them in the first place.  The actual spinning motion of the tops makes it impossible for dirt or debris to make its home on them, thus negating the need for you to do chores.  Now make a toy that cleans the litter box for me and I can truly live a life of leisure.  

   These orange and blue editions go on sale tonight at 9pm eastern time only at www.inamitoyland.com.  They're $15 a piece and only 10 of each color exist.  

Star Wars "Force Friday" Is Almost Here

    Oh my lord I am excited for the new Star Wars toys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tonight, as the clock strikes midnight, people are gonna flood their local stores and ruin their credit ratings by buying anything and everything from the movie they haven't even seen yet.  And you know what?  I'd love to join em, but that is waaaaaaaaay beyond my bedtime.  I know, I'm about as much fun as wearing a wet pair of jeans, but I've passed that point in life where my body will do the things I want it to.  I don't want to have to get up at 3am to pee every night, but guess what, that's what happens.  And I don't want to fall asleep on the couch every night and miss the endings of my favorite shows, but that doesn't stop my brain from flipping that off switch and turning me into a drooling idiot with my mouth hung wide open.  Just this week alone I've missed the endings to Monday Night Raw and Ink Master and I almost passed out before Mr. Robot was over last night, which would have infuriated me.  So while I won't be elbowing my fellow nerds in pursuit of a carded Storm Trooper, I'm sure that there are plenty of everything to go around so I won't miss out on anything I want.  I mean there will be, right?