New Kookie No Good figure from Scott Tolleson x Dekorner Available Today

   Did you know yesterday was Fortune Cookie Day?  Now you could tell your parents that the Internet hasn't completely rotted your brain and you can still learn fun facts by spending a few hours a day browsing.  You can also see plenty of things that no matter how hard you try you will never be able to forget.  Fear not though, for this is a safe place that has no intention of forcing you into group therapy where they'll make you keep a feelings journal that you have to read aloud from once a week.

    In celebration of the previously mentioned day of remembrance for deceased fortune cookies the world over, Dekorner is releasing a special edition of Scott Tolleson's Kookie No Good Figure.  These little dudes will be available today at 10am pacific time only at http://www.dekornerstore.com. Each figure will retail for $40 and comes complete with a sad little fortune that may or may not depress you, depending on if you took your meds or not.  Just look at the one in the picture: it says "anything >  you".  Not only did it insult you, but it brought in grade school math to do it, forcing you to relive those hours of homework you never turned in because you were too busy preparing to really own your teenage angst phase.  Kookie, we gotta get you some happy pills, bro.

    

Skinner x Leecifer Hand Painted Picklebabies Dropping Today

    I have a lot of things that I suspect may be haunted in my house.  It's bound to happen when you are drawn to coolecting weird stuff that may or may not have once been housed in a now dead human being.  You think I don't have a jar of my wife's great grandmother's gallstones, just chilling in the living room?  Or an antique glass eye that may or may not have been willingly given up by its long dead German owner?  I like my knick knacks like I like my women; riddled with a sketchy past (Sharon's gonna hit me for that one).  Now I'm not crazy mind you and if I think something might be housing some poltergeist with a crappy attitude I can easily walk away.  Unless it has a really sick patina, cause God knows I love a patina.

    I'm convinced Skinner is only interested in painting haunted toys and now I have photographic evidence to prove it:

    How is this little antique person holding a Picklebaby that was created even before Leecifer, the father of all Picklebabies was born?  What madness has conceived the creation before the creator?  What messed up relative bought this girl such a bizarre looking doll baby for Christmas?  Those answers may lie deep in a New England grave, but on this very day you can become the newest caretaker of the Picklebaby, guarding its secrets and succumbing to its most vile demands.  

    There are 8 of these available beginning at noon pacific time only from http://shopcriticalhit.com.  They are $100 each in human money (no eternal souls will be accepted as payment at this time - Management)

Funko Announces Bi-Monthly Star Wars Subscription Boxes

    Man, let me tell you how caught up I got in all the new Star Wars excitement.  I drug my behind, and that of my wife, out to Toys R Us at midnight just to get a look at the new toys.  I walk in and there's these four foot tall Stormtrooper and Darth Vader figures for $100 each and I almost came home with them.  I was trying to justify buying them, but once civil war broke out in my brain the reasonable side totally won out, leaving behind them a trail of dead, irrational soldiers.  Then we go into Bed Bath and Beyond a few days later and they have that killer smart phone controlled BB-8 toy, and yet again a war was fought in the confines of my skull.  I ended up leaving with a headache and no droid.  Sometimes being an adult is beyond dumb.

    Finally, after years of seeing people freak out about those subscription box thingys there's finally one I'm interested in.  I've completely given up on anyone coming out with the "Human Skull of the Month" club, but Funko's Smuggler's Bounty is pretty intriguing.  They're kicking this thing off in November and the first box will feature 2 exclusive Pop! Vinyl figures and other stuff related to the new film.  Supposedly every box will focus on a different aspect of the Star Wars universe, but hopefully they're smart enough to leave Jar Jar out of it.  Unless it's a severed head, then by all means.  Each box will cost $25 and will be available bi-monthly, but if you subscribe for a full year you get a special surprise at the end of it that's exclusive to those not afraid of commitment.  Get it going over at www.smugglersbounty.com.  

Freaks, Kinks, and Spazzes Preorder from Radioactive Uppercut Happening Tonight!

    I went to the doctor today and when I entered the room this is what I saw:

    Now let me expand on this a bit more.  While this would be a horrifying sight for any man to stumble upon, what made it worse was the fact that I was at the urologist having a follow up from The Great Kidney Stone Disaster of 2015 (as it's been dubbed in the media).  So be you man or woman, the only place this stuff was gonna end up was somewhere that would traumatize you (and make your pee hurt) for days to come.  I know what goes on in these places, heck I've got some stories that would make you put a pad lock on your jeans and hide in a closet, but I really don't need to see the aftermath of someone's urinary tract pain.  Hell, the hotel we stayed at in Brooklyn for Summerslam had better maid service than this, and there was a damn lucite wall between the tub and the bed.  I didn't go anywhere near this exam table except to take this picture and after than I parked my behind as far away as the architecture of the building would allow.  I wish they had comment cards so I could have rated the state of the room, cause urethra jelly and a box of tissues is worse than finding a dead body.  

    As you may have figured out, that story was just something I really had to share and has nothing at all to do with the toys you see pictured.  I view stories like this in the same way filmmakers viewed that VHS tape from the ring.  You gotta pass that trauma on if you want to have any peace.  Now, back to business.

    Radioactive Uppercut is opening up preorders tonight for his latest creations: Freak, Kinks, and Spazzes.  Those three little dudes are adorable in a gross way, kinda like your mom, and like I said before you can get your hands on them tonight at 8pm eastern time (also like your mom).  They were expertly sculpted by David Arshawsky of Turtle Milk Studios and are being cast in soft resin by Tru:Tek of Disart ToyLabs, which basically means they're of the utmost quality.  These little dudes stand 3 inches tall and are available individually for $30, or as a set for $87.  Look how cute they are, you wouldn't dare think of separating them from their friends would you?  Or are you one of those people who would see two kittens and just adopt one of them?  Don't be a sicko.  Do the right thing tonight by visiting http://radioactiveuppercut.storenvy.com.  

Get A Second Shot at Jim Phillip's Screaming Hand from Kidrobot

    Have you ever seen those tumors that sprout teeth and hair and really freak my wife out?  Or those little stone babies that people carry around for years without even knowing it?  Those are nothing compared to sprouting a second mouth on your palm.  Think about it: those other two things are quiet. They may creep you out, they may cause you a bit of physical discomfort, but they won't scream all day long.  Or worse than screaming, what if it just wanted to bore you to death all day by telling you the same stupid stories, prefaced with "did I tell you about the time."  If you think you need to begin a story with the phrase "did I tell you about the time" then yeah, you already did.  I know someone who has told me the same mundane tales so many times I started finishing them for her every time she repeats one.  I can tell you just about anything you would ever need to know about her grown children, people that have died, what was on sale at Target in 1996, or her every career she ever had.  Contrary to my best efforts I have managed to store the most minute details in every dark corner of my brain and can rattle them off like some savant doing algebra problems.

    Is there any wonder that someone severed this sucker just above the wrist?  Who knows where Jim Phillip's Screaming Hand began its life, but it's most certainly ending it sans the rest of the human form.  This iconic logo from Santa Cruz Skateboards was recreated in glorious vinyl by Kidrobot and released earlier this year, at which time it quickly sold out.  People were pissed that they couldn't get one so now you'll have a second chance on Thursday to welcome this into your life.  Pick one up tomorrow wherever you like to buy your toys or at www.kidrobot.com.  

Three Witches: Skinner Edition Preorder from Unbox Industries

     With all these bozos trying to run for president you would think that maybe, just this once, someone would focus on an issue that is long in need of attention:  the lack of witch burnings.  Now you can't tell me that we stopped doing it cause we got em all, cause I don't believe that.  Or that it just fell out of fashion, cause what better thing can you think of to bring a community together than the warmth of a good witch burning in a carnival-like atmosphere with corn dogs and stuff?.  You got nothing.  And it's just not about the good times that are to be had, it's about all the evil doings that are, as of this posting, going unchecked.  Why just last week a woman was mad at me at work and I didn't poop right for a few days.  It's empirical evidence of a hex and I'm sure if I had some milking goats they would probably be dry right now as a result of said curse.  How can we allow this to continue?

   The tricky thing about witches is that they all don't stand out as readily as these that Skinner painted up.  They blend in, like that Miley Cyrus girl, so they could be amongst us right now!!!   John Kenn Mortensen and Unbox Industries made these old hags and you can preorder them from now until September 25 (or until the original allotted amount runs out).  Order some right now at http://store.unboxindustries.info and make them reveal the identities of their sisters in the black arts.  Also, make sure you have enough to lighter fluid, cause there's nothing that ruins a good ol witch burning like an absence of the actual burning part.  It's embarrassing.

Star Wars "Force Friday" Recap or Why I Am So Tired Today

    Despite what I said yesterday about not being able to stay up late, I couldn't stand looking at all the pictures of the new Star Wars toys online and not participate.  So when my wife got home from work this is what ensued:

Me:  "Hey babe, I'm sorry you had such a hard day at work, why don't we go out to eat tonight."  

Sharon:  "Oh, that's so sweet of you, let me go and get changed."

Me: "Shut up squid man, you're killing my game here."

    So we have a nice dinner and on the way home we stop by Toys R Us to see how they're setting up for the new toys.  There are signs everywhere and empty shelves teasing us with their promised bounty later in the night.  We go home, watch a bit of tv and then I start showing her people's Instagram posts with all of their bounty.  Next thing you know this happens:

Sharon:  "If you want we could totally go to Toys R Us to check it out tonight."

    Next thing you know we're standing outside with fellow nerds waiting to buy toys for a movie we haven't even seen yet.  It was kind of like a mini comic con moment, though much less smelly.  The first thing we see as we enter are these giant Stormtrooper and Darth Vader figures:

    I'd say they were about 4 feet tall and priced at $100, which is pretty reasonable considering their size.  While the temptation was strong, I didn't want to get caught up in the moment and buy everything in sight.  In fact I was so restrained this is the totality of what I purchased:

    That's it.  A lone Captain Phasma Pop! Vinyl for $10.  The commemorative Lego brick was free at the door and the main reason I wanted to go to Toys R Us.  It has the date on the back of it so one day I can reflect on my life and say "I stayed up way past my adult bed time to look at action figures."  Everyone in the nursing home will be impressed.