Rotten Rex "Meat Marbled" Version from James Groman x Lulubell Toys

    I shouldn't be writing about this toy because it is making me hungry and I still have to go grocery shopping today.  Now I'm just gonna skip everything else I would have bought and go straight for the meat aisle and load my basket up with steak.  My wife makes this amazing steak with onion soup mix that will make you smack your grandma it's so good.  Don't try and sue me after you smack her either, cause I will lawyer up so fast you'll wish I didn't lawyer up so fast.

   You can own the only dinosaur I'ver ever thought might taste good during a two week open preorder happening right now through Lulubell Toys.  This monstrosity from James Groman stands 15 inches tall and doesn't look like he would take too kindly to any T-Rex arm jokes.  $250 will guarantee you one by visiting http://www.lulubelltoys.com.  

Odyssey 2 from The Sucklord

    The Sucklord released two new figures this week, but one already sold out so there's no point in me making you fall in love with it just to break your heart the way Jenny did in third grade when she knew you liked her yet kissed Michael by the swing set any way.  I'm no Jenny.  So I'm going to tell you about the one still available for purchase called Odyssey 2.  This is in no way the bangin sequel to Homer's epic Greek tale that we will seemingly never get (Even though it takes Guns and Roses less time to record an album. Step it up, Homer!) but is in fact a tribute to classic video games of the past.  It harkens to a time when somehow people were able to have fun with two pixelated sticks and a ball that bounced back and forth and didn't need things like "sex" or "violence" in their video game systems.  Sounds boring.  

    Pick this dude up here and never forget how blessed you are to have grown up with Grand Theft Auto.  

Rise of Rudolph 3 Inch Dunny from Frank Kozik x Kidrobot

    I wrote an entire children's story about this new Dunny from Frank Kozik and Kidrobotwww.kidrobot.com for their website at blog.kidrobot.com so I was just going to tell you to go read that, which you should do anyway.  Seriously, your children will want you to read it to them before they go to bed each night because they deserve to hear the real truth about the North Pole industrial machine.  But then I just kept typing and now this has become more than just a post about a post; it has become it's own, standalone post that merely references a post, so in a sense it's like three posts yet only two.  No, seriously this all makes sense because I thought about it a lot.  And it's Guy Fawkes day, where British folks celebrate the dude who tried to blow up Parliament.  Did his moment of rebellion inspire more than plastic masks and a graphic novel and also light the fuse in everyone's favorite reindeer to stop taking Santa's crap?  Do you see how easy it is to connect all of these events and drive yourself mad with conspiracy theories?  Why are my cats starring at me like they're recording all of this?

    Celebrate Christmas the way it was intended by picking up this 3 inch Dunny now from Kidrobot.com and wherever designer toys are sold.  

Kaiju Frankenstein from Nathan Hamill x Touma x 3DRetro

    This is what happens when you take those trips down to Mexico in an effort to save on plastic surgery.  There are many ways to become fiscally responsible, like cutting down on your visits to Starbucks, or hitchhiking wherever you need to go, but invasive medical procedures should be at the bottom of that list.  Along with cable television, because that is a necessity.

   Frankenstein's dueling personas aren't the result of a medical vacation in Tijuana though.  He's feeling a bit torn because he was created by two different folks.  Nathan Hamill designed one side, Touma the other and then 3DRetro slapped em together to create this conflicted looking monster.  Do you think they share one brain and always agree, or do you think that like conjoined twins they have their own personalities that fight to be unique?  Pick one up at www.3dretro.com for $49.99 and create your own narrative.  

Winter Reindeer: Night Stalker Edition from Andrew Bell x Gary Ham x Pobber Toys

 

    I have an entertainment center from Ikea that has been a pain in my rear since the day I bought it.  For one, it was the wrong color, which Sharon and I decided we would live with.  Then when we moved it somehow gained about 300 pounds since I put it together and nearly killed us both.  And the thing is so massive and holds so much stuff that it has made it an almost impossible task to replace.  We did swear an oath though that if we were to ever move again not only would we not take it with us, but that we would destroy it so it could not pass its evil onto others.  And by destroy it I mean carefully take the bolts out and even more carefully walk the pieces to the dumpster.  I'll be damned if it sends me to the emergency room in one final act of defiance.

   Let that be a lesson on how important it is to carefully select the things you use to display your treasures, for like an at-home haircut, it may be there longer than you bargained for.   Enter Pobber Toys.  They teamed up with Gary Ham to create the original version of this unique way to display your figures and now Andrew Bell has put his own spin on it.  This thing is nearly two and a half feet tall of resin and can be left the way he is or fully loaded with your favorite toys as seen here:

    You have from now until November 30th to preorder one of these things for $499 plus shipping and they are only making the amount that people order.  There will be no second chances, only massively crushing regret that will hinder you in the rest of your worldly pursuits if you don't get one.  Make the right decision by visiting http://pobber.bigcartel.com.

Stuffed 3 Inch Dunny Preorder from The Angry Artist

    Raw chicken and turkey are about the grossest things on the entire planet and I refuse to touch either.  I won't even touch it while it's safely wrapped in the package, that's how much I hate it.  I love it once it's cooked, but until that point I want to have absolutely no interaction with it.  If you have a venomous snake loose in your house, or if you need a someone to take a look at the dead thing you found feel free to call me.  But if your problem involves uncooked poultry I am not the man for the job and I feel no shame in telling you so.  

   The above paragraph has probably done its job in letting you know that I am no expert when it comes to preparing a bird, but I'm pretty sure I've never seen anyone season a turkey like this.  I haven't watched the Food Network in some time and it may be a new technique, but I feel comfortable in stating that there has to be a better way.  The Angry Artist has opened up preorders now for a run of custom Dunny's that have gotten a little too involved in the Thanksgiving festivities. There's always one in every family who just takes things over the edge (I'm looking at you, Uncle Ted).  They're limited to only 10 pieces and available for preorder right now at http://angryartist.storenvy.com.  

Vinyl Kittypillar Preorders from Casey Weldon x 3A

    I find it rather impossible to successfully clip my cat's nails and then I take them to the vet and the girls there are like the Lebron James of kitty claws and practically do it with their eyes closed.  Big chunks of talons go flying in the air and I can be nothing but impressed because I only manage to get a teensy bit clipped before they freak out and try to main me. Then they inevitably proceed to go to the stair or the couch and demonstrate how ineffective a job I did.  Little sociopaths. 

    Thank goodness Kittypillars aren't real, because for one I would need a house full and for two, that's a lot of extra nails to render your belongings worthless.  This toy is based on a series of paintings by Casey Weldon and has been brought into plastic being by 3A.  I saw the prototype at New York Comic Con and it is a thing of beauty to say the least.  There are two different versions up for preorder right now at http://www.bambalandstore.com and for $89 each they include free world wide shipping.  That's a damn bargain for something that will make you smile every time you look at it.  You sure can't say that about much.