Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum

       I was totally gonna write about this season of Game of Thrones but I don't want to be the dude that spoils it for those that haven't watched any episodes yet.  I'd be pretty heated if someone ruined it for me so I'll refrain from wondering too much about how slowly the army of the dead is moving in their attempt to get beyond the wall.  It's not like a kid who doesn't have the use of his legs totally got to where he was going and had time to rest up and spit prophesies.  I bet the undead formed a union and now they have to take regularly scheduled breaks.  Or maybe their bladders have all shriveled and they have to stop to pee constantly like that one time at New York Comic Con where I was trying to pass a kidney stone and I had to go every 10 minutes.  If you're ever peeing blood the most awesome thing you can do is not flush the toilet so the guy after you has something fun to talk about with his friends.        

    This Blue Draculobster from Michael Skattum (aka Draculazer) and Gums Productions totally reminds me of one of those White Walkers.  Except for the lobster claw and his utter disregard for clothing.  You can bring this ten inch vinyl toy home today for only $85 which includes shipping from Honk Kong, which is where giant lobster people live.  Snag one at http://www.michaelskattum.com before they sell out.


     

Resin Reptillian Madball from Magitarius

      When I was studying forensics in college one of my textbooks had a picture of a dude who had taken copious amounts of illegal substances, sliced his entire face off with broken pieces of glass, and fed his fleshy bits to his dogs.  While the picture was pretty horrifying, the real victims were his puppies who now have an unrealistic expectation of what treat time should look like.  Good luck trying to appease them with a Milk Bone after that.  

    Sometimes when you tear your face off the results are way more neat-o than some basic muscle and bone; sometimes you reveal yourself to be a reptilian overlord.  The folks at Magitarius will make you wonder what your friends are made of with this resin Madball-style release.  Limited to nine pieces, this accurate depiction of the people that run our country are available right now for $55 each (shipping included) by checking out http://www.magitarius.com. 

The Odd Ones: Shard Dunny from Scott Tolleson

 
     You probably thought that The Odd Ones were finished; that the brood of misfits couldn't possibly have any other friends you had yet to meet.  Well, you just got ZINGED!, or whatever it is the kids are saying these days for when you were tricked right out of your shirt, cause looky what we have here.  His name is Shard and he looks to me like a perfect bit of sea glass that washed up on the beach.  Or that blue stuff that the chemistry teacher was making to pay for his cancer treatments in that one show.  Scott Tolleson is there anything you'd like to tell us?  We won't snitch.

     This three inch resin Dunny first made his debut at San Diego Comic Con but now he is available for the rest of the world starting tomorrow (Thursday, August 3rd) at 10 am pacific time.  You'll find him at http://www.stolleart.com/store/ for $50 each plus $10 shipping.

The Lord of the Rings: Mini Epics Vinyl Figures from Weta Workshop

     I remember when my wife took me to watch the first Lord of the Rings film at the theater and afterwards she asked me what I thought about it.  The first thing I could think to say after seeing the books come to life on screen were "I wish we lived in Middle Earth."  I still stand by that sentiment, even though we technically do, as Middle Earth was based on Midgard from Norse Mythology, which is the world of man.  But I want it as it looked in the films: endless breathtaking scenery filled with magic and adventure.  My biggest adventures now are trying to figure how to pay my student loans and not starve to death like the government seems intent on, and trying to figure out why Instagram keeps crashing on my iPad.  Sigh.  

     Everyone out there knows that whenever Weta Workshop is involved in a film that everything they touch will be a highlight, and there collectibles are some of the most impressive I've ever been able to see in person.  Now they're expanding their horizons into the world of vinyl toys and I couldn't be happier.  Each of the first five figures from their new Mini Epics line offers a stylized take on classic characters from The Lord of the Rings.  Choose from Gimli, Frodo, Gollum, a Uruk-Hai Berserker, and a Moria Orc, or just get them all and start your new obsession off properly.  All five are available for preorder now at http://wetaworkshop.com

My Pet Monster Vinyl Toy Preorder from Creepy Co

    When I was little I really wanted a pet tiger.  No real particular reason, I just though having a giant cat living in the house would be cool.  Now that I have five normal sized cats I realize what a nightmare that would have been.  Feeding the thing would bankrupt me and cleaning a litter box that something that those little guys use gets bad enough at times; I would need a snow shovel and a back brace to scoop a tiger's litter.  The beauty of wanting stuff as a kid is that practicality never really comes into play.

    My Pet Monster was the everything a kid could ask for:  you could hang out all day with a supernatural creature and you never had worry about it puking up a hairball on your pillow.  You can know relive all of those great childhood memories with this vinyl version from Creepy Co.  Available now for preorder, this 6 inch tall vinyl figure comes in the classic version (limited to 500) and a shackles version (limited to 100).  Hitchhike down the nostalgia highway by visiting https://www.creepycompany.com.
   

Cheese Cat Lottery from Rato Kim x Strange Cat Toys

    Being lactose intolerant means that cheese is the devil.  I've actually only tasted cheese once and it was a terrible accident that was very traumatizing to me and should have resulted in a lawsuit.  I was attending a birthday party when I was young at Burger King and I distinctly recall ordering mine plain:  meat and bun and nothing else.  I take a bit into what I anticipated was flame broiled deliciousness and was instead met with some awful taste.  I inspected the sandwich that had betrayed me and found that there, just atop the meat patty and below the top bun, was a slice of cheese.  I blacked out with the realization that cheese had made its way into my mouth despite being so careful in my 6 years of life.  I spat out the offending bite, wrapped up the Benedict Arnold of a hamburger, and returned it to the counter for a replacement.  Now I am much more careful and thoroughly deconstruct all of my food to ensure no contraband dairy filth makes it past my defenses.  I'm gonna need a minute to work through some feelings.

    I have no quarrel with things that merely look like cheese, so I feel ok with endorsing this latest release from Rato Kim.  Her ridiculously popular Bread Cat is living the fromage life in this exclusive release with Strange Cat Toys.  There are only 10 of these available and for the opportunity to purchase one you must enter a lottery via email.  You have until August 2nd to get your entry in at strangecattoys@outlook.com, and please use "cheese cat" in the subject line so they don't think you're  a hot single in their area trying to meet up tonight.  

SKLFKR: Untouched from Huck Gee x Clutter Magazine

    If I were president of America (which let's be real the standards of the job have been dramatically lowered to "can spell own name" and "can list favorite color")  one of my top priorities is approaching the United Nations about implementing the concept presented in the film Robot Jox to settle all disputes.  In case you're not familiar with said movie, it would involve each country building their own giant robots to duke it out in lieu of actual warfare.  Not only are we saving lives but we're saving a ton of money in military spending that can actually be diverted into more important areas.  Plus, you actually MAKE money by selling tickets to the fights and broadcasting them on pay per view.    Feel free to call me a genius at any time.  

    Who wouldn't watch this guy from Huck Gee and Clutter Magazine give Mecha Kim Jong the business end of that axe?  This twenty inch beast was engineered by the folks at Cubo, is made of a mixture of solid and rotocast resin, and features 11 points of articulation which is just below the legal limit.  You can preorder this white version for $300 when it goes on sale this Friday, July 28th, from shop.cluttermagazine.com.  Until then you should start reinforcing the are where you're going to put him so you don't have one of those Breaking Bad bathtub through the ceiling incidents.