Dresden Frau Dark Parade MS from 3A

    Just when you think things couldn't get any dumber in American politics, the moron that is our president has taken a page out of Chairman Mao's book and ordered a military parade through our capital.  It's obvious that he feels inadequate in more ways than any sane person could have ever imagined, but would someone please tell him that no matter how many ballistic missiles he parks in front of the Smithsonian, that it won't make his wittle guy any bigger.  It won't make his hair not look like a dust bunny, it won't make anyone donate money to his idiotic wall, and it certainly won't wipe away the regret that is plastered on the face of his wife in every photograph.  What we as Americans should do is on this day of his so called parade gather and block it from ever occurring.  Stand thousands deep and let it be another massive failure in what has already been an overflowing septic tank of a presidency.  

    I can assure you that despite any recent advances in military technology, none of these will be marching in our parade that never happens.  If they were I'd still be totally against it, but I'd be a little more intrigued.  Ashley Wood and 3A have carved quite a niche reimagining warfare and the weaponry involved, but this is by far my favorite of their interpretations.  Oh come on, don't tell me if you were about to be mowed down by machine gun fire this isn't who you'd prefer to be doing it.  

   Available starting tomorrow, February 8th, this is a Bambaland exclusive and will only be found at www.bambalandstore.com.  Our president is still a moron, in case you forgot.  

Burger Bandit Wolf Thing Bat Mother from Joseph Harmon x Toy Art Gallery

   Oh, I do love every time there is a new Wolf Thing Bat Mother figure to write about because the titles of my posts sound like I just played dictionary roulette when creating it.  And this dude might be the best of them all because not only is he called a Burger Bandit, but he's painted up to look like an actual hamburger.  Being an American this pleases me more than you could ever understand and to show my appreciation I will now share with you the best hamburgers I've ever eaten.  The all time best was at an Irish pub in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.  There was something interesting mixed in with the meat itself which gave it a unique flavor that has yet to be topped by any hamburger since.  My second best hamburger was consumed in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and was comprised of buffalo meat.  This was so delicious I wanted to slap the table and curse but I didn't since my wife's grandmother was sitting across from me, even though I'm sure her vocabulary could make mine blush like a debutante.  I didn't want to be shamed in my word choice.  The third best hamburger ever was at a now defunct restaurant on the Eastern Shore of Virginia.  The place looked like someone had abandoned a house, then some amazing chef's moved in claiming squatters rights, and did absolutely nothing to change the crumbling decor.  The dishes were miss matched and Sharon found a toothbrush laying on the bathroom sink, but the burger made me proud that my family settled there four hundred years ago.  Honorable mention goes to an Irish pub in New Hope, Pennsylvania, which makes me wonder what ground beef secrets these Irish folks are passing down through the generations.

    I'm beyond hungry now so let's get these particulars down so I can go eat.  Joseph Harmon not only created this culinary freak of nature, but he hand painted each one himself making the The Hamburgler look like a common criminal by comparison.  Add one to your collection today (Friday, February 2nd at noon pacific time) by visiting www.toyartgallery.com.  They'll be $65 each and do not come with fries or a soda.  Those are extra, boo boo.

Lava Bear Winter Edition from Nathan Hamill x 3DRetro

   I'm very conflicted about this Lava Bear colorway.  He's called a Lava Bear, but he has a frozen motif going on.  Volcanoes don't erupt ice flows and glaciers aren't made of magma, so my head is spinning like that one time I hit it on a shopping cart.  Don't ask how that happened, not because it's an embarrassing story, but because I hit my head hard enough to not comprehend how things went down.  Or to give a more recent example, when I found out that there is a town in New Jersey called West New York.  What is that?  How can you even write that down somewhere without feeling weird about it?  I'm seriously working myself up into a panic over this.

   Nathan Hamill has burned out my mental cylinders with his willingness to spit in the face of nature,  but his addition of flocking has has swayed me to the dark side.  Yes, this is the first toy that he's ever made that's fuzzy!  But only 75 of you will be able to experience how great it will feel petting one of these, because that's all he made!  You'll get a shot at new toy ownership this Friday, February 2nd at noon pacific time.  Eighty bucks will get it done and they're only going to be available from http://nathanhamill.storenvy.com.  In the meantime I hope Nathan avoids all prosecution for witchcraft in his attempt to sway the natural order of things.  Don't act like you'd be surprised if we all of a sudden started burning witches again in this country, because things have taken a rather crazy turn for the worst this past year.

New Resin Skulls and Resin Dice from Paper + Plastick

    Unlike the great conquerors throughout history, it has no become nearly impossible to decorate your living room with the skulls of your enemies.  Things like "laws" and "common decency" have gotten in the way of being adequately able to express yourself as you vanquish those who oppose you.  But being the stubborn (or innovative, you decide) people we are, we have found our way around such nonsense so that we can properly watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while still being surrounded by the ultimate trophy.  Those ladies are more ruthless than Genghis Khan ever was.

    Paper + Plastick has been creating these resin skulls featuring their logo as the face for some time now, but any time is a good time to start collecting these.  You'll get a shot at your first, or maybe your one hundred and first, when they release a new batch tomorrow, Friday January 26th at 3pm eastern time.  You'll notice in the picture that there are quite an array to choose from.   You may also notice the big ol resin dice just hanging out down there at the bottom, which will also be available. A few more resin body parts and we could have ourselves quite the game of Monopoly.  Check em out at http://paperplastick.limitedrun.com/categories/featured-products.

The First Ever Cinegantus from Justin Ishmael x Splurrt x Lulubell Toys

    Whenever you are presented with the opportunity to sever the head off of one mythical creature and place it on the body of another you should always do it.  Of course you would want to have both mythical creatures fill out the proper paper work to absolve you of any liability should the whole thing go terribly wrong in a Frankenstein sort of way, but that's stuff any mad scientist should already have been told by their lawyers.  In a world run by scandal and litigation you have to protect yourself from the inevitable get rich quick schemes and accusations of malfeasance that can plague even the most well-intentioned experiment.  A good insurance policy never hurts either and can pay for itself the first time you use it.

    Splurrt's Harryhausen-esque Cinema Monster has had his noggin replaced with that of Justin Ishmael's Galligantus to create Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn......Cinegantus!  No one is safe when people are out there making super monsters, but safety is a relative thing anyway like I told the person who tripped on the walkway in front of my house.  I'm not sure if he understood me because his replies were muffled by his detached teeth and blood, but I think he saw the folly in his reasoning by the time he passed out and I drug him next door to the neighbor's sidewalk.  

    Lulubell Toys will be releasing what I'm told is a really really limited amount of these on Saturday, January 27th at 10am pacific time.  They are $200 each and sold blind and you can only buy one so don't get all greedy about it.  They will be available from www.lulubelltoys.com.


    

Sweet Devils Maneki Wananeko from Javier Jimenez

    If you're even considering buying your significant other candies or lingerie or anything else completely standard let me help you raise the bar for Valentine's Day.  One year, I took my wife to see a monster truck rally and instantly became the most legendary husband ever.  It's all about the romance, and there is nothing more romantic than spending time with the one you love while nearly going deaf from the roar of fossil fueled monstrosities.  I still can't hear anything she says unless we're directly facing each other.  

    You don't need to be as innovative as I am, in fact it's not recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists, but you can still do things differently for your loved ones by gifting them something that will never wilt.  That's right, I'm talking luxuriously smooth Japanese vinyl in the form of these Sweet Devil Maneki Wananeko.  Javier Jimenez has made em look just like candy, but unlike chocolate these kitty cats will last forever.  And by forever I mean at least the person's life span you are gifting them too, who knows what plastic will look like in a few hundred years.  Still better than anyone one of us, that's for sure.  This kind of took a dark turn.

    Snag one for yourself or someone you love this Sunday, January 28th, at 11am eastern time only from http://www.stickupmonsters.bigcartel.com.
   

New Metal Sloth Editions from Xpanded Universe

   Sloths may look like chill bros on the outside, but inside they are raging tigers with a thirst for all things metal.  Their minds work with the voracity of a double bass drum as they slowly make their way from tree to tree and directly into our hearts.  And there's nothing more metal than those crazy hands they have, which if they could get them to move a little faster would have no problem disemboweling someone. Now that I think about it I feel it's even more brutal to relieve someone of their digestive track in slow motion.  Sloths are obviously into the Norweigian black metal.

 
    Xpanded Universe has opened my eyes and ears to the musical preferences of these great creatures via this sofubi figure.  Available in black or glow in the dark, they are available for preorder right now by visiting http://xpandeduniverse.bigcartel.com.  They're extremely limited, so you'll want to move more like....well, anything that's faster than a sloth would work.