Sweet Tooth Marbled Cestoda from Miscreation Toys x Lulubell Toys x Toy Art Gallery

    I scream, you scream, blah blah blah.  Talk about the low hanging fruit of ice cream jokes.  I'm above it, so I'm not gonna do it, even though I could imagine someone screaming if they ran into one of these Cestodas from Miscreation Toys.  Standing at 11 inches tall, dude could take a bite out of your calf muscles and lay eggs in the hole before you realized what has happened.  He looks parasitic and quick, which is not a good combination for you.  But he does come in a pretty array or marbled colors that remind me of those giant tubs of Neopolitan ice cream my mom used to buy, the effects of which ensured I would never make the school bus in the morning and would have to be driven in the mini van.  The effects of lactose intolerance stretch way beyond stomach discomfort.

    Lulubell Toys and Toy Art Gallery have formed an alliance to bring you this limited edition preorder.  Happening now until the 16th, which for those keeping track is this Friday, you can secure yourself one of these big ol sofubi masterpieces for $275 plus shipping.  Get on it now at www.lulubelltoys.com.

New Painted Edition Wing Kong from Super7

   My favorite gorilla story happened while my wife and I were at the Philadelphia Zoo.  There they have a very spacious outdoor enclosure as well as an indoor one where they can climb and put sticks in their butts (that's my second favorite gorilla story) and whatnot.  We walk into the indoor portion because that offers you the ability to get as close to them as their indestructible glass will allow and they really aren't paying us any attention.  We stand there for a few minutes to see if they'll do anything interesting when an Amish family approaches from behind us.  All of a sudden this one gorilla rushes over to the glass and sits down right in front of them like it's the craziest thing he's ever seen before.  This dude is seriously giving them the once over like they were on exhibit and instantly I didn't feel bad about the time I was trying to take pictures of one of their horse drawn buggies parked outside of Wal-Mart because it seems all creatures are equally fascinated by the Amish.

The end.

    Make your own monkey memories when this new version of Wing Kong from Super7 debuts today (Wednesday, February 7th).  He's going to be unleashed on a very expecting public at 3pm eastern time at www.super7store.com.  Quantities are limited so act with a sense of urgency, folks.

Dresden Frau Dark Parade MS from 3A

    Just when you think things couldn't get any dumber in American politics, the moron that is our president has taken a page out of Chairman Mao's book and ordered a military parade through our capital.  It's obvious that he feels inadequate in more ways than any sane person could have ever imagined, but would someone please tell him that no matter how many ballistic missiles he parks in front of the Smithsonian, that it won't make his wittle guy any bigger.  It won't make his hair not look like a dust bunny, it won't make anyone donate money to his idiotic wall, and it certainly won't wipe away the regret that is plastered on the face of his wife in every photograph.  What we as Americans should do is on this day of his so called parade gather and block it from ever occurring.  Stand thousands deep and let it be another massive failure in what has already been an overflowing septic tank of a presidency.  

    I can assure you that despite any recent advances in military technology, none of these will be marching in our parade that never happens.  If they were I'd still be totally against it, but I'd be a little more intrigued.  Ashley Wood and 3A have carved quite a niche reimagining warfare and the weaponry involved, but this is by far my favorite of their interpretations.  Oh come on, don't tell me if you were about to be mowed down by machine gun fire this isn't who you'd prefer to be doing it.  

   Available starting tomorrow, February 8th, this is a Bambaland exclusive and will only be found at www.bambalandstore.com.  Our president is still a moron, in case you forgot.  

Burger Bandit Wolf Thing Bat Mother from Joseph Harmon x Toy Art Gallery

   Oh, I do love every time there is a new Wolf Thing Bat Mother figure to write about because the titles of my posts sound like I just played dictionary roulette when creating it.  And this dude might be the best of them all because not only is he called a Burger Bandit, but he's painted up to look like an actual hamburger.  Being an American this pleases me more than you could ever understand and to show my appreciation I will now share with you the best hamburgers I've ever eaten.  The all time best was at an Irish pub in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.  There was something interesting mixed in with the meat itself which gave it a unique flavor that has yet to be topped by any hamburger since.  My second best hamburger was consumed in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and was comprised of buffalo meat.  This was so delicious I wanted to slap the table and curse but I didn't since my wife's grandmother was sitting across from me, even though I'm sure her vocabulary could make mine blush like a debutante.  I didn't want to be shamed in my word choice.  The third best hamburger ever was at a now defunct restaurant on the Eastern Shore of Virginia.  The place looked like someone had abandoned a house, then some amazing chef's moved in claiming squatters rights, and did absolutely nothing to change the crumbling decor.  The dishes were miss matched and Sharon found a toothbrush laying on the bathroom sink, but the burger made me proud that my family settled there four hundred years ago.  Honorable mention goes to an Irish pub in New Hope, Pennsylvania, which makes me wonder what ground beef secrets these Irish folks are passing down through the generations.

    I'm beyond hungry now so let's get these particulars down so I can go eat.  Joseph Harmon not only created this culinary freak of nature, but he hand painted each one himself making the The Hamburgler look like a common criminal by comparison.  Add one to your collection today (Friday, February 2nd at noon pacific time) by visiting www.toyartgallery.com.  They'll be $65 each and do not come with fries or a soda.  Those are extra, boo boo.

Lava Bear Winter Edition from Nathan Hamill x 3DRetro

   I'm very conflicted about this Lava Bear colorway.  He's called a Lava Bear, but he has a frozen motif going on.  Volcanoes don't erupt ice flows and glaciers aren't made of magma, so my head is spinning like that one time I hit it on a shopping cart.  Don't ask how that happened, not because it's an embarrassing story, but because I hit my head hard enough to not comprehend how things went down.  Or to give a more recent example, when I found out that there is a town in New Jersey called West New York.  What is that?  How can you even write that down somewhere without feeling weird about it?  I'm seriously working myself up into a panic over this.

   Nathan Hamill has burned out my mental cylinders with his willingness to spit in the face of nature,  but his addition of flocking has has swayed me to the dark side.  Yes, this is the first toy that he's ever made that's fuzzy!  But only 75 of you will be able to experience how great it will feel petting one of these, because that's all he made!  You'll get a shot at new toy ownership this Friday, February 2nd at noon pacific time.  Eighty bucks will get it done and they're only going to be available from http://nathanhamill.storenvy.com.  In the meantime I hope Nathan avoids all prosecution for witchcraft in his attempt to sway the natural order of things.  Don't act like you'd be surprised if we all of a sudden started burning witches again in this country, because things have taken a rather crazy turn for the worst this past year.

New Resin Skulls and Resin Dice from Paper + Plastick

    Unlike the great conquerors throughout history, it has no become nearly impossible to decorate your living room with the skulls of your enemies.  Things like "laws" and "common decency" have gotten in the way of being adequately able to express yourself as you vanquish those who oppose you.  But being the stubborn (or innovative, you decide) people we are, we have found our way around such nonsense so that we can properly watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while still being surrounded by the ultimate trophy.  Those ladies are more ruthless than Genghis Khan ever was.

    Paper + Plastick has been creating these resin skulls featuring their logo as the face for some time now, but any time is a good time to start collecting these.  You'll get a shot at your first, or maybe your one hundred and first, when they release a new batch tomorrow, Friday January 26th at 3pm eastern time.  You'll notice in the picture that there are quite an array to choose from.   You may also notice the big ol resin dice just hanging out down there at the bottom, which will also be available. A few more resin body parts and we could have ourselves quite the game of Monopoly.  Check em out at http://paperplastick.limitedrun.com/categories/featured-products.

The First Ever Cinegantus from Justin Ishmael x Splurrt x Lulubell Toys

    Whenever you are presented with the opportunity to sever the head off of one mythical creature and place it on the body of another you should always do it.  Of course you would want to have both mythical creatures fill out the proper paper work to absolve you of any liability should the whole thing go terribly wrong in a Frankenstein sort of way, but that's stuff any mad scientist should already have been told by their lawyers.  In a world run by scandal and litigation you have to protect yourself from the inevitable get rich quick schemes and accusations of malfeasance that can plague even the most well-intentioned experiment.  A good insurance policy never hurts either and can pay for itself the first time you use it.

    Splurrt's Harryhausen-esque Cinema Monster has had his noggin replaced with that of Justin Ishmael's Galligantus to create Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn......Cinegantus!  No one is safe when people are out there making super monsters, but safety is a relative thing anyway like I told the person who tripped on the walkway in front of my house.  I'm not sure if he understood me because his replies were muffled by his detached teeth and blood, but I think he saw the folly in his reasoning by the time he passed out and I drug him next door to the neighbor's sidewalk.  

    Lulubell Toys will be releasing what I'm told is a really really limited amount of these on Saturday, January 27th at 10am pacific time.  They are $200 each and sold blind and you can only buy one so don't get all greedy about it.  They will be available from www.lulubelltoys.com.