Blank Black Gorazon Lottery from Jxntoys

    This, my friends, is a toy design I can get behind.  He's an anatomical heart/skull/evil minion looking bro that speaks to my interests.  Seriously this sucker is unhinged and is one of the coolest figures I've seen in a while.  I'm kind of jealous I didn't come up with it if I'm being honest, and I like there to be trust between us so I'm always honest with you.  And yes, that probably wasn't the right shirt choice for your kid's parent/teacher day, but I support the bold thought process that led to you putting on that Cannibal Corpse tee.  See, always honest.

     Though this did not spring from my weary mind, I still love it just the same.  His name is Gorazon and he is the brain child of one Jxntoys.  This guy is cast in the blackest black vinyl to be had and can  only be had via a lottery this weekend.  You have until July 23 at 12am pacific time to enter by following these instructions:

To enter, please send your information to jxntoys@gmail.com

1. Full name

2. Shipping address

3. Telephone number

4. PayPal email

5. Instagram

    Easy enough.  If you win he will set you back $140 plus shipping.  

 

SDCC Exclusive Key Lime Burgercat from Nathan Hamill x Science Patrol

   My sister and I are 18 years apart and I spent a lot of time babysitting when she was young.  There was one incident while I was watching her that I was sure was going to get me kicked out of the house permanently.   She was about four at the time and we were building with Legos when she bolted upright and ran through the kitchen and into the bathroom, laughing the entire way.  I thought it was strange so I got up to check on her and on the floor I noticed a randomly discarded package of food coloring.  All of the tubes were in the box except for the green one. Fearing the worst I banged on the bathroom door, eliciting an eruption of laughter from the other side.  I turned the knob and it was locked, so I yelled for her to get into the bathtub.  At the sound of her climbing inside I backed up and threw my shoulder into the door, less concerned about explaining the carpentry work that I would have to do than about what the hell she was up to.  The door gave way and standing in the bathtub, as proud as I've ever seen her, was my sister showing off her newly dyed green skin.  Thankfully she was less Incredible Hulk and more Jackson Pollock with her application, but it didn't negate the fact that it was a week before she started preschool and half her face looked like bad zombie makeup.  I couldn't even be mad because I was so panic stricken and she was laughing so hard and I was kind of nauseous as I tried scrubbing her back to her unblemished self.  Spoiler alert:  food coloring doesn't give a damn about a soap filled wash cloth or the fact that you may get murdered for not stopping your kid sister from giving herself an abstract facial tattoo.

    Some things were meant to be green, like string beans, American currency, and this Key Lime BurgerCat from Nathan Hamill and Science Patrol.  Is he a cat that looks like a hamburger or a hamburger that looks like a cat?  Who cares, because this kitty is made of luxurious Japanese vinyl and is down right adorable.  This edition is an exclusive to San Diego Comic Con and can only be had by visiting War Machine Marketing's booth #1415.  Nathan will be signing them as well on Saturday and all the info you need to meet him and score a BurgerCat are in the photo at the top.

Mixed Parts Suckfly from Cure x Lulubell Toys

   Bats are awesome.  They're like little puppy birds that just want your love.  Sometimes they even seek you out for that love, which is really interesting when they do so by hanging on the curtains in your kitchen.  I lived in an old farm house in Virginia and the bats we didn't know were living in the attic decided that they wanted to check out the rest of the house.  So one day while attempting to get breakfast we found them taking a nap right above the window.  It nearly scared my mom to death but I thought they were cool (like any weird teenage boy would) and rather than disturb them we just left them alone and they moved on to more exciting pastures.  Which was most likely the house next door, which had no electricity and whose residents once forced us to evacuate after building a bomb on their porch with a propane tank.  A small thing like a bat infestation would probably go unnoticed there.

    After many moons the Suckfly from Cure has returned in mixed parts form. You don't get to choose your color combo, but how could you be upset by any version of these you get?  The answer is you can't, so stop worrying and start buying when these go on sale tomorrow, Wednesday July 11th, at noon pacific time from Lulubell Toys.

    

The Witch Black Phillip Figure from Readful Things

   Black Phillip! Black Phillip!  Oh, the fun songs that little heathens make up.  I just saw The Witch a few weeks ago and here are my thoughts on the film.  For one I was really thankful for closed captioning because I could not understand anything anyone was saying.  Secondly, you should never go anywhere near a house that is all by itself in the woods because it is either filled with witches or rural crackheads, neither of whom you want biting you.  And lastly, the devil didn't really have to spend much for souls back in the day.  All he did was mention butter and she couldn't wait to sign her life away.  Now he has to at least shell out for an iPhone or a Maserratti before he can convince anyone that eternal damnation sounds like a worthy trade.  Inflation truly hits everyone.

   I am thankful for the bootleggers out there who are working hard creating the action figures that regular toy companies are neglecting, and this Black Phillip toy from Readful Things is genius.  You can own everyone's favorite bad idea goat when he goes on sale this Friday, July 6th, at https://www.etsy.com/shop/readfulthings.  

Electro Cyclops - X Lottery from Plaseebo

    Millions of Americans will celebrate the Fourth of July today, as they highlight the good parts of our country and try to briefly forget about the crap storm we are going through right now.  They will drink and they will light explosives which will also mean trips to the emergency room and doctors trying to reattach fingers that have been stored in sandwich bags of ice.  If there's one thing we as Americans know how to do, it's bodily harm in the name of being festive.  Avoid the need for expensive reconstructive surgery for a thrill that lasts a few seconds and instead invest in a piece of art that will glow and change colors as long as you keep the batteries fresh.  

   Plaseebo doesn't want you to make meat mittens, which is why he has offered up this killer Electro Cyclops - X lottery do distract you from your explosive misdeeds.  There are four of these 8 and 1/2 inch figures up for grabs and your chance at buying one hinges on you following these directions:

To enter lottery, please send the following to:   bob@plaseebo.net 

1.  Name

2.  Shipping Address 

3.  Country

4.  Telephone Number

5.  PayPal Email Address

6.  Instagram / Facebook ID

Lottery winners will receive notification emails by July 7, 2018. Figures will ship upon receipt of payment due by July 10th.

You only have until Thursday, July 5th, to enter.  

LaMorrttt More Dead Than Death Itself Edition from Naomi Knaff

   Black coffee.  Black metal. Black t-shirts.  I have no use for the first one, but the other two are delightful.  Now you can add LaMorrttt to that list as he has shed all color and become the epitome of darkness.  Gaze into the void and allow yourself to be swallowed by the abyss!!!  Or you could just put him on your shelf and admire him from a good safe distance.  I'd say ten feet is probably a nice start to not be drawn into oblivion, but there's really no trusted authority that I know of with any published literature on the subject.  You should consult your local library to be sure.

  Naomi Knaff's vinyl creation was brought to life by Planet X and is only available via www.naomiknaff.com for $70 each.

   

Glow In The Dark Budfoot Preorder from Wonder Goblin

   New Jersey is on the verge of legalizing recreational marijuana and the ads for jobs in that industry have already popped up online.  They're looking for people that have a history with growing the stuff, which last time I checked is a skill that can land you in jail until it can't.  Who in their right mind is going to put on paper that they've got a degree from Cheech and Chong University when that could be used against them in a court of law?  Then again, the Gratefull Dead were considered quality entertainment by stoners for many years, so clear lines of thinking and massive weed consumption might be mutually exclusive.  The kicker is those jobs pay a lot and I wish I had been more of a deviant when I was younger so I was qualified.  My egg plants are doing really well, though.

   This is Buddfoot, and in this incarnation he glows as green as his favorite substance on Earth.     Wonder Goblin's 12 inch tall super sofubi figure has six points of articulation and comes with an extra special accessory that he doesn't want to get pulled over with in the Garden State just yet.   Those days are coming, good buddy, and soon the we won't just be famous for growing award winning tomatoes.  The state is famous for it, not me.  My tomatoes always end up with worms.

   For $125 those midnight trips to the bathroom can get a whole lot more interesting.  Snag one when they drop this Sunday, July 1st at 11am, only from https://www.wondergoblin.com.