Holographic Tauro from Splurrt x Lulubell Toys

     I don't get the appeal of mazes.  Why is it that ever fall people are so damn excited to pay to get lost in a corn field for hours?  I love to take a walk in the woods every now and then but that's more of an adventure.  Who knows what abandoned structures or wildlife or dead bodies you may come across.  But a corn maze is just a bunch of dried up stalks cut in a pattern meant to confuse you and cause arguments with your significant other who will trash your navigational skills and whose father would have never given you permission to marry his daughter if he had even the hint of your lack of leadership abilities under duress.  And there's not even a minotaur at the end that you have to battle, just some kid making minimum wage that directs you back to the parking lot.  They should have a counselor there to repair all of the emotional damage this "fun" tradition inflicts on relationships.  

    I don't know where you would go to hire a minotaur for a corn maze, but if you really cared about your guests you would go the extra mile and find out.  Can you imagine how great that would be?  Especially for the first people to go through it, imagining that the monster at the end is just some guy from the haunted hayride in a suit, when in fact it is a living, stinking, bull monster who likes to crack skulls for fun.  I can and I am delighted.  This monstrosity from Splurrt would be the perfect anchor to any maze, though he'd need to be a tad bit bigger to inspire any real fear.  At ten inches tall he is an impressive toy though and you can add one to your collection this Friday (August 10th) when he goes on sale from Lulubell Toys.  Extremely limited and featuring crazy holographic paint, and retailing for $135, get one when they go on sale at noon pacific time from https://www.lulubelltoys.com.

Beastie Droids Enamel Pins from Dead Greedy

    When I was a boy I had a killer denim hat with a panther enamel pin lodged in the front.  Then I had to go and get a wicked case of head lice and my mom chucked that thing in the trash because she swore it was harboring little fugitives.  She wouldn't let me get my sweet panther pin, even though there was no way scientifically speaking that anything was living on that.  I could have put it on my matching jean jacket, or I could have saved it in my treasure box until I was older to prove how tough I am so I wouldn't have to tell everyone like I have to do now.  Parents need to think about this stuff before they over react about a little infestation.

    I know I've told that story before and it's cool because it's the only enamel pin experience I have.  Oh, it's true, after my panther was ripped from my life I never bought another one, so every time I write about pins I'm gonna recycle that trauma.  Dead Greedy is trying hard to melt my hardened heart with these wearable versions of his Beastie Droids figures.  They've been featured on a hit television comedy and have a place in collections around the world and now they can adorn your wardrobe.  You get all three pins for $25 packaged up to look just like the bootlegs that inspired them.  Order yours at http://www.deadgreedy.com.

Melted Crayon Editions from Miscreation Toys x Lulubell Toys

    Is this one of those posts that's going to come back and haunt me later in life?  By writing about undead babies am I setting myself up to be fired from a sweet gig later on?  All of their trouble people find themselves in by people digging into old Tweets and whatnot has made me think about my own internet history.  I try to be humorous and in doing so have joked about drugs, serial killers, mental illness, a plethora of criminal activity, dismemberment, republicans, bodily fluids, reptilian overlords, and a few other things that have become the victim of memory loss.  Screw it, let's talk about some zombie kids.

    My sister had one of those crayon melting machines when she was little, in which you load broken pieces onto a heated plate and create new ones with all the colors mixed together.  The results are not unlike the look of these two little heathens from Miscreation Toys.  Whether you have your eye on the very descriptively named Autopsy Zombie Staple Baby (as seen above) or the subtly named Gergle (as seen below) your journey into plastic parenthood will be more colorful than you could have ever imagined.  Available not through Lulubell Toys as an open preorder until August 11th, you can start or add to your brood by visiting https://www.lulubelltoys.com.

Monster Beach Party Custom Show At Mothership in Philadelphia

    In New Jersey a tourist was recently impaled in the ankle by a flying beach umbrella.  Strong winds lifted it from it's place in the sand and planted it firmly through her awaiting flesh.  Umbrellas are not at all sword like so the force behind that sucker must have been impressive.  I've witnessed something similar, though impalement was not at all involved.  Where I work the orientation of the buildings causes a wind tunnel effect whenever the weather is bad and someone thought that would be the perfect place to put picnic tables.  In the middle of each one is a large umbrella that no matter what the weather is like is never tethered down or removed.  We had some pretty bad winds one day and one of these umbrellas kept getting blown out into the parking lot.  I would go and retrieve it and put it back until after the second time when the problem was taken care of by nature.  A gust of wind came along, lifted the umbrella straight into the air, and flung it onto our roof.  The thing shot up like a rocket over 20 feet high before flipping upside down with a thud.  No impalement though, sorry.

   The beach is a dangerous place, though I doubt being run through by someone's shady respite wasn't tops on your fears list.  So the beach is the perfect place for monsters to gather and enjoy the summer.  Mothership Gallery has taken that idea and based an entire toy show around it, appropriately titled Monster Beach Party.  This show is no holds barred, so you may see customs, originals, who the hell knows what else.  As with any Mothership show there will be a ton of artists involved, all of which you can see in the poster.  The show opens Saturday, July 28th at 6pm and online sales of the pieces (for those who can't make it to Philadelphia) will start at 7pm at www.martiantoys.com.  

El Cuco Lottery from Wonder Goblin x Grizlli Atom

    Mysteries are what make the world interesting to me and there are some I hope no one ever solves. Whether it involves famous monsters like the Jersey Devil or Bigfoot, or human monsters like Jack the Ripper, in this age where everyone and everything is way over exposed, a little bit of mystery goes a long way.   How many great folk tales will spring forth from our culture not that everyone and almost everything is being documented in some fashion at all times?  Would anyone care about the pyramids if the ancient Egyptians had taken selfies during their construction?

"Yo, this is ya boy Khufu, just hanging at my future crib." #blessed 

    Nope, we need the unexplained which is why I am glad that Wonder Goblin and Grizlli Atom have started a new venture in which they celebrate the world's boogeymen.  The first in this series in a dude from South America named El Cuoco, who parents have used to keep their children in line for many years.  I believe that the best behaved kids are the ones who have a crippling fear of being devoured by monsters, but for some reason most parenting books neglect to include that chapter.  He seems way more effective at his job than Elf on the Shelf, as that little nerd could have never gotten me to stop acting up.  

    Standing at twelve inches tall and featuring eight point of articulation, this soft vinyl figure can be yours via lottery beginning on Sunday, July 29th.  Here is how to enter:

    This will be sold via lottery on 7/29/18 at 11 AM EST - $300 + Shipping (USA is close to $14. International is between $40 and $50 depending on country).
To enter the free raffle, click the "LOTTERY OPEN" ticket during the above date and time at the top of the Wonder Goblin home page and complete the online form. 12 hour lottery closes 7/29/18 at 11:00 PM EST. The winners will be drawn randomly from all entries and notified via their email with a private shop link. Lottery entries not chosen will not be notified.
    If chosen, payment must be paid within 24 hours of notification. After 24 hours, winner's link will expire and be passed on to the next random winner in line. Any winner refusing to pay by set deadline will be excluded from all future lotteries. Thank you for understanding!

   Enter to own one exclusively from https://www.wondergoblin.com.  

Blank Black Gorazon Lottery from Jxntoys

    This, my friends, is a toy design I can get behind.  He's an anatomical heart/skull/evil minion looking bro that speaks to my interests.  Seriously this sucker is unhinged and is one of the coolest figures I've seen in a while.  I'm kind of jealous I didn't come up with it if I'm being honest, and I like there to be trust between us so I'm always honest with you.  And yes, that probably wasn't the right shirt choice for your kid's parent/teacher day, but I support the bold thought process that led to you putting on that Cannibal Corpse tee.  See, always honest.

     Though this did not spring from my weary mind, I still love it just the same.  His name is Gorazon and he is the brain child of one Jxntoys.  This guy is cast in the blackest black vinyl to be had and can  only be had via a lottery this weekend.  You have until July 23 at 12am pacific time to enter by following these instructions:

To enter, please send your information to jxntoys@gmail.com

1. Full name

2. Shipping address

3. Telephone number

4. PayPal email

5. Instagram

    Easy enough.  If you win he will set you back $140 plus shipping.  

 

SDCC Exclusive Key Lime Burgercat from Nathan Hamill x Science Patrol

   My sister and I are 18 years apart and I spent a lot of time babysitting when she was young.  There was one incident while I was watching her that I was sure was going to get me kicked out of the house permanently.   She was about four at the time and we were building with Legos when she bolted upright and ran through the kitchen and into the bathroom, laughing the entire way.  I thought it was strange so I got up to check on her and on the floor I noticed a randomly discarded package of food coloring.  All of the tubes were in the box except for the green one. Fearing the worst I banged on the bathroom door, eliciting an eruption of laughter from the other side.  I turned the knob and it was locked, so I yelled for her to get into the bathtub.  At the sound of her climbing inside I backed up and threw my shoulder into the door, less concerned about explaining the carpentry work that I would have to do than about what the hell she was up to.  The door gave way and standing in the bathtub, as proud as I've ever seen her, was my sister showing off her newly dyed green skin.  Thankfully she was less Incredible Hulk and more Jackson Pollock with her application, but it didn't negate the fact that it was a week before she started preschool and half her face looked like bad zombie makeup.  I couldn't even be mad because I was so panic stricken and she was laughing so hard and I was kind of nauseous as I tried scrubbing her back to her unblemished self.  Spoiler alert:  food coloring doesn't give a damn about a soap filled wash cloth or the fact that you may get murdered for not stopping your kid sister from giving herself an abstract facial tattoo.

    Some things were meant to be green, like string beans, American currency, and this Key Lime BurgerCat from Nathan Hamill and Science Patrol.  Is he a cat that looks like a hamburger or a hamburger that looks like a cat?  Who cares, because this kitty is made of luxurious Japanese vinyl and is down right adorable.  This edition is an exclusive to San Diego Comic Con and can only be had by visiting War Machine Marketing's booth #1415.  Nathan will be signing them as well on Saturday and all the info you need to meet him and score a BurgerCat are in the photo at the top.