The Diver Resin Figure from Pocket Watch Toys

    The octopus is smarter than most of the people you work with.  They're great problem solvers unlike some people we know who surprise us every day that their lungs continue to inhale and exhale without you having to assist and who skate by oblivious to the fact that every day feels like their first day to fellow employees.  Not that I speak from such experience, but if any aquarium is interested in loaning me an octopus to test a theory, please shoot me an email.  

    Until I am able to replace a few people with cephalopods, I will continue to dream about what awesome coworkers they would make.  Check this one out from Pocket Watch Toys,  who has found himself a cool diving helmet to up his selfie game on Instagram.  This dude is limited to 15 pieces, features a removable helmet, and can be obtained right now at http://pocketwatchtoys.co.uk/shop/.

Royals 2.0 Tuttz Mini from Argonaut Resins

    When I was in kindergarten I wanted nothing more than to be an archaeologist.  Between my obsession with dinosaurs and Ancient Egypt I was ready at five years old to pack my bags and dig up some old corpses in the middle of the desert.  Honestly, that still sounds like a perfect day out so if anyone is ever going to do that I'm down for an invite.  I can't remember why that career goal didn't stick with me through the years,  maybe once I discovered rock music and wasn't willing to admit my guitar playing was a mess.  Or maybe someone told me that Indiana Jones was not the typical scenario and it was going to be more sweeping dirt than punching bad guys in the face.  That movie should have had a disclaimer.

    I imagine that if I unearthed a burial chamber along the banks of the Nile that treasures like these Tuttz from Argonaut Resins would be front and center.  Look at how absolutely regal these look, which is fitting being that they are named Royals.  Standing 3 and 1/2 inches tall and clad in a black and gold combo or completely in a luxurious reflective gold, these resin kitties are available now by visiting https://argonautresins.bigcartel.com.

The Deadly Spawn Vinyl Figure Kickstarter from Justin Ishmael

    No, this is not one of the parasites from the next season of Monsters Inside Me, though if a doctor were to ever find something like this growing within someone I hope he has the presence of mine to put them down.  Tapeworms are horrifying enough, especially when they decide they need some air fresher than that of your inner colon and venture forth from your backside.  There's nothing out here for you little buddy, so you just stay inside where I can be blissfully unaware of your presence.  Editors note: I do not actually have a tapeworm.

   While this may look like the result of eating undercooked pork, it is actually the star of the cult classic horror film The Deadly Spawn.  Justin Ishmael decided to bring him to frightening life by turning him into an officially licensed vinyl toy, which is now on Kickstarter to raise money for production.  As of this writing he has received 83% of his goal in just under two days, so I think it's safe to say this nine inch tall monstrosity and his larvae are well on their way to becoming reality.  Both of these figures were sculpted by toy industry legend James Groman, who you may know from such famous lines as Madballs or his own crazy Kaiju figures that defy logic in size and detail.  Check out the link here to get in on this campaign and score these figures in their various iterations.

B.F.M. Sum Lottery from Plaseebo x Planet Asia

   I'll let you use your imagination to figure out what B.F.M. stands for, but suffice to say when you're dealing with this much blood it's exactly what you'll find yourself in.  Whether from a cleaning or legal standpoint, the M absolutely stands for "mess" and Plaseebo's Sum figure is covered in it.  This monster snapping turtle produced in collaboration with Planet Asia is living out his tale of revenge to the fullest, having gone so far as to snatch the head of the redneck that caused his untimely demise.  I'm thinking he decorates his lair with it somehow, maybe turning it into a nice light fixture for the bathroom.

    Only two of these blood soaked customs were created by the man himself, and if you want to own one you've got to enter the lottery, which just so happens to end today.  Here's what you have to do:

To enter lottery, please send the following to:   bob@plaseebo.net

1.  Name

2.  Shipping Address

3.  Country

4.  Telephone Number

5.  PayPal Email Address

6.  Instagram / Facebook ID

    If you are selected each figure will be $375 plus shipping.  

Cold Gloom Garglmon from Blurble One x Dski One x Lulubell Toys

    

    I have no problem believing that dudes that look like this are out there in the vast expanse of space.  I also have no problem believing that while they may have been interested at one time in coming to visit us, not even the sideshow carnival charm of Earth can entice them anymore.  For the sake of money, or feeling like our shrimps are more prawn-like than popcorn, we continue to wreck our planet and everyone on it.  It depresses me to feel like a helpless passenger in this flaming dumpster that has been pushed down hill, so I try to remember the good things we have that we can control.  That's why art is so important, maybe now more so than ever, because to me it is the greatest example that our humanity is not completely lost.  In spite of everything, or maybe because of it, we still create things to express ourselves and draw out expression from others.  So while the news is mostly depressing (except for yesterday, in which a few bad people got what they deserved) go and look at a painting, or in this case a toy, and realize that there is still hope for us yet.  

   Now that I've waxed philosophical while sitting in my underwear, lets talk toys.  This Garglmon from Blurble One and Dski One is releasing today at 3pm pacific time.  Cast in luxurious Japanese sofubi infused with glitter, then enhanced with a nice minimal paint job, he can be yours for a mere $80 exclusively from Lulubell Toys.  Each one is seven inches tall and features random eye colors to add a little bit of mystery into your life.  Pick one up for yourself by visiting www.lulubelltoys.com.  

Dreamsnake Resin Mini Figure from Retroband x Deadly Delivery

   I often have dreams in which snakes are present and no matter what they were up to or where they are in relation to the dream they will inevitably bite me.  I could be minding my own business in some crazy scenario my brain has concocted and the moment a snake enters the scene his fangs end up buried in my skin.  I don't know what I did to you snakes, but I'm gonna need to stop harassing me in my sleep cause your nonsense is getting old.  Don't bother trying to psychoanalyze any of this, because my health insurance is gonna deny the claim.

   This mini resin serpent man is the creation of Retroband and part of the Deadly Delivery collective of artists.  If you're more trustworthy of fanged creatures than I am, you can invite this little dude into your home when he goes on sale Saturday, August 18th, at 12 pm central time from https://deadlydelivery.bigcartel.com.

Stone Edition Trayjus Resin Figure from Scott Tolleson

   I'm beyond disgusted with my home owners association and I am devising ways to express said disgust in a creative manner.  I won't get into the numerous reasons I would like to cage fight them all, mostly because as I typed them all out I felt really petty and then hastily deleted them.  But seriously, how are you gonna not fix the street lights and force me to come home in pitch blackness when there are vampires and crack heads around?  A bite from either one will completely wreck your life/immune system.

   One of my ideas involves buying a concrete statue of Poseidon to put in my flower bed.  You know, the real tacky ones that people who think they're fancy have at their house cause in their minds it somehow transforms their rancher into the Palace of Versailles.  Ok, I'll be honest, I kind of want one anyway, but now I feel would be the perfect time and this is the perfect excuse to finally own one.  Unless someone wants to make me a fountain featuring a giant spitting cobra because I would actually prefer that.

    Scott Tolleson got me thinking about all of this nonsense when I saw the above photo for his statue inspired Trayjus.  He'd have to do some serious upscaling for this to fit into my war of attrition, but he'd still be pretty cool just chillin on a book shelf.  Only 12 of these resin figures exist and will retail for $70 each when they go on sale this Friday, August 17th, at 9am pacific time.  The only place to find them will be http://www.stolleart.com.