It's Review Time, Suckers!!!! Featuring The Tenacious Toys Exclusive Humpek from Whatshisname x Mighty Jaxx

       Should you ever need a sign that your child's birthday party has taken a turn for the worse; you know beyond the typical crying, vomiting, or inebriated parents loudly discussing the terms of their separation, I present to you Humpek.  Like the name infers, these are two balloon dogs caught in the middle of life's most loving embrace.  I swear, you can't turn your back on one of those birthday clowns without them going off the rails and teaching biology in between the cake and presents.  Stick to the itinerary, you freak!

From this angle it could be seen as an innocent piggy back ride.

    This vinyl toy is the creation of an artist know as Whatshisname, which may be a clever moniker intended to deceive Jeff Koons as to where to send the cease and desist letters.  Can you believe that man actually tried to claim a copyright ownership of balloon animals?  Oh, maybe he'll send me a cease and desist letter for mentioning his name on here.  I've never gotten one of those before, though I'm sure that fact speaks more to my limited audience than to my penchant for typing out what my mind thinks.  If I got one I would hang it on my fridge and I would be insufferable at diner parties, unable to speak about anything else than how the guy who is famous for making hotel lobby art sent me a letter telling me to behave myself before legal action be taken.  Bring it, fancy boy.

The bottom doggy is obviously just helping the other one reach something on a high shelf.

   Ok, I got a little off track there living out my legal fantasies with an artist who irritates me.  Moving on.  This toy was produced by Mighty Jaxx as an homage to how little baby ballon animals are made.  You never see baby balloon animals at all, do you?  That's because the mommy and daddy keep them well hidden from predators like hawks, coyotes, safety pins, over sharpened pencils, etc.  There really are a lot of dangers out in the world for those little guys.  It could also be that tiny balloon animal babies would be extra hard to make with those chubby sausage fingers that birthday clowns all seem to possess.  Those giant digits are great for choking out your cell mate on your felony drug possession stretch, but are a hinderance once you start working the party circuit.

Only Westminster is more thorough in their canine reviews. 

   It's been a minute since I've last reviewed a toy, so I keep getting distracted by the very nature of this creature.  The folks at Mighty Jaxx did a bang up (pun intended) job in making these two love pups a reality.  The piece itself is flawless in terms of construction, which had to be a nightmare considering all of the individual bits that were needed to put one together.  Making something this complex look as though it isn't is no easy task, but they pulled it off.

Still Life

   In creating art the devil is certainly in the details, so imagine how surprised I was when I opened the box (which by the way is the most secure shipment of anything I've ever received) and out popped a jimmy hat.  And it's even got a joke on it.  The only joke I ever heard about condoms was when my step father gave me some in high school.  That was the joke, because I had absolutely no use for them.


   That fancy blue that you've seen in all of these pictures is the exclusive colorway of Tenacious Toys, so that means if you want to own this very one that is the only place you can get it.  I love the color because it stands out against everything else in my house, which my wife and I have attempted to make look like the Parisian apartment of a very rich, yet also kinda crazy, art collector.  Being that I've never been to Paris, let alone in anyone's apartment who was a lunatic patron of the arts, I have no idea how close we've come to nailing the aesthetic.  I also have no way of knowing that we didn't, so I'm calling it a success.

Wednesday refuses to be a pawn in the modern art game.  

   On a side note, this is the second time I've reviewed a toy that was captured in this very act.  I'm not sure what that means in the greater scheme of things, but it felt worth noting.  Also, this may be the review that finally ruins any chance I had at ever running for public office.  Can you see the attack commercials of my opponent?  That would be hilarious and I'd like to declare my candidacy for Senate.

   This is by far the strangest thing I now own, and I am the proud caretaker of a mummified fetal pig and an antique tubular specula, which is fancy speak for an inner butt flashlight (cash only, no insurance plans accepted).  Having one of these on your shelf is sure to jump start conversations that are guaranteed to be more interesting than you could even imagine.   It's fun, it's irreverent, it makes me laugh, and it sent my imagination in all different directions as you can see from the paragraphs above.  If you want to add a good time to your collection, visit www.tenacioustoys.com today and pick up one of these.

The Thing Resin Mini Figure Series from Pickmans Vinyls

    I'm gonna have to be completely honest with you here:  I've never seen The Thing.  Yes, I'm talking about the classic horror film from John Carpenter and I'm admitting to have never watched it.  I can also say that telling you all this has not released any burden from my shoulders.  There will be no Hail Mary's or anything else that the newly confessed feel obliged to perform and the reason for my lack of atonement is there are plenty of people out the who have yet to see Star Wars.  Oh it's true and I've met them.  So until they are punished for such atrocities my minor infraction of overlooking The Thing is wouldn't even warrant a misdemeanor in the realm of cinematic crime.

    One day I will get around to watching it, but for now I have to take Pickmans Vinyls word that these new resin mini figures are indeed from the movie.  Hell, I haven't seen 50 Shades of Gray either, so I'm being really trusting here.  There will be a whole series of these, with this Spiderhead dude kicking things off.  Preorders for him begin tonight, Friday January 11th, at 8pm cst.  Each figure will come with what's known as blood points that can be redeemed for exclusive stuff once you collect three of them.  Add them to your collection today by visiting www.pickmansvinyls.bigcartel.com.

"Purple People Eater" Hag Defender Lottery from Wonder Goblin

    

     I've had this idea about human illness that I'd like to go ahead and share with you right now.  My wife and I have been battling some mutated sinus nonsense for the better part of two weeks and nothing in the world has been as satisfying to me than to crank the water in the shower to scalding, inhale the steam, and fire as much matter from my nose as I'm physically able.  There's nothing quite like having a mass dislodge from your sinus cavity and having it wash down the drain.  So while I have no power to make this a thing, wouldn't it be amazing if any time you had a cold or virus or any type of illness that you just had to evict some sentient ball of ick to know that you would be ok?  Like, once it came out you knew that you wouldn't be sick anymore.  I imagine it having little arms and probably cursing at you in German upon being exposed to the light, but the personal attacks it would lob at you would be nothing when you realized that soon all of your sniffles would be gone.  

    Wonder Goblin's Hag Defender looks a little more extreme than the viral core I described to you above, but he also looks like he could do some damage if you ever ingested one via undercooked fish.    Thankfully for us this dude is less interested in wrecking your immune system than he is keeping his queen safe.  This limited "Purple People Eater" colorway is going to be available via a lottery system that begins on Saturday, January 12th at 6pm est and ends 24 hours later.  And lest you think there will be some random number generator picking the winners, because they will actually be picked live on Instagram via this contraption:

    This thing is insane and I guarantee Wonder Goblin is going to get a lot of requests to purchase it.  He's not for sale, but the Hag Defenders sure will be.  Each 5 and 1/2 inch figure will retail for $180 plus shipping, so if you win have those dollar bills ready to go.  Enter the lottery by visiting https://www.wondergoblin.com.

Spy Boy Resin Figure from Compton III

      The Mummer's Parade just took place on New Year's Day in Philadelphia, and anyone not from the area most likely has no idea what I'm talking about.  It's a weird experience to say the least, and you should certainly consult Youtube to get a better understanding than I can give you.  I remember seeing a video of them before I moved to the area and I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was watching.  Their's lots of giant sequined covered costumes, string instruments, and choreography that is beyond anything you've ever seen before.  It's another one of those quirky things that makes Philadelphia great and we have certainly not cornered the market when it comes to unusual traditions.  

     There's not much about New Orleans that isn's a spectacle, but I'd be hard pressed to find one bigger than Mardi Gras.  Of course everyone knows all about the parade floats and drunken revelers, but had you heard of the Mardis Gras Indians?  I hadn't until artist Compton III sent me an email about his figure, paying homage to what I learned is a long standing tradition.  Again, mere words are not adequate here, so once again visit Youtube to see what they're all about. 

     This figure is a throwback to the origins of urban vinyl while going beyond the limitations I felt a lot of those early works set for themselves.  It's interesting to look at and invokes an aspect of American culture that until today was completely unknown to me.  I'd say that's a successful work of art, and if you want to add one of these hand painted resin figures to your collection you can do so by visiting www.spacebroccoli.com.  Each one stands 9 and 1/2 inches tall and retails for $350.

Chris Ryniak and Amanda Louise Spayd's Gemnibbler Exclusive from Umi Toys Hawaii

    Happy New Year, ya filthy animals!  The best way to start your next 365 days off right is to treat yourself to some retail therapy.  I started the New Year with a sinus infection; mouth breathing my way home from work last night while R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It" filled the interior of my Hyundai.  Kind of an ominous start to 2019, but if life were easy I certainly wouldn't recognize it if it was standing next to me and tapping my shoulder.  So while I could bore you with top 10 lists or other nonsense that people usually do this time of year, my cold medicine is insisting we throw that idea in the trash and instead tell you about something new.  Brace yourselves, for I am at its mercy.

   There's nothing worse that being a collector of anything and not being able to get each and every thing associated with it.  Do you want to know how many sets of figures I have where I'm only missing one and that one that eludes me is priced at a level that would keep me up at night?  I'd tell you, but lets not dwell on the negative.  Umi Toys is ensuring that every collector of the Thimblestump Hollow series 2 figures from Chris Ryniak and Amanda Louise Spayd will be able to complete their sets by offering up this exclusive Canyon edition Gemnibbler.  This enemy of precious jewels is limited to only 85 pieces, retails for $15, and can only be had by visiting www.umitoyshawaii.com.  One of these will also be included if you are purchasing one of their Fukubukuro lucky bags.

   These figures are produced by the fine folks of Cardboard Spaceship, who have yet to convince NASA that corrugated paper is the best material for use when constructing the shuttle.  

Kazans Sofubi Series from Gary Baseman x APPortfolio

   I love the work of Gary Baseman because he has managed to create things that are instantly recognizable as his without ever feeling stale.  I love it for other reasons as well, but what I mentioned above is no easy task.  So when I saw these posted on Facebook there was no doubt as to who created them, but they in equal measures felt like sometime completely new.  And how can you not be happy when looking at these?  They're the perfect cure for the nasty seasonal depression many of us are going through, though you probably shouldn't rush out and cancel your doctor's appointments just yet.  These critters have yet to be evaluated by the Food and Drig Administration for their therapeutic properties.

   These sofubi figures have been produced by APPortfolio and are available now.  They come in sets of two and will retail for $204 per set.  You can see how they are paired up in the pictures below and you can purchase them by visiting https://apportfolio.shoplineapp.com.

Tenacious Toys Exclusive Sprayed Away Series 1 from Josh Mayhem

   Last summer here at the Jersey Shore a tourist was sitting on the beach when a large gust of wind picked up an umbrella, launched it towards her, and impaled her leg like a javelin.  All this time we had this irrational fear of sharks because of Jaws, when the silent killer was lulling us into complacency with the promise of respite from a brutal sun.  Shade comes at a price, my friends, and that price could very well be your life!  This has been a public service announcement from The Council For Impalement Awareness.

   Josh Mayhem has made what is quite possibly his most appropriate Blown Away series to date.  Utilizing the SprayeeQ Qee platform from Toy2R, he has adequately captured what a popular song and dad jokes have told us for years: you never spray into the wind.  Whether it be paint or more organic substances, the results will always be the same.  Though the embarrassment levels might vary greatly.  

   This exclusive series for Tenacious Toys features 12 hand customized figures with one random glow in the dark chase.  Each piece stands 5 inches tall, will retail for $150, and will be available starting at 3pm today (Wednesday, December 19th) only from www.tenacioustoys.com.