Jasper: Series Zero Blind Box Release from Gary Ham x Martian Toys

   I have a distinct love/hate relationship with blind box toys.  On the one hand, I'm all about them when I first start collecting a new series and every box has a high potential for a new figure.  I start to really hate them when I only need a few toys to complete a set and get 15 of the same design that end up accumulating in my basement to be found later by the unlucky sucker that has to settle my estate.  I could fill a graveyard with doubles of blind box toys and with the lack of success I have at horticulture, I may consider using the barren soil of my garden for them rather than uncooperative plants.  The tiny tombstones will be so adorable.

    Martian Toys is turning the idea of the blind box on its head with Jasper.  You can buy them in mystery fashion, pray to whatever God you think controls good luck in picking toys, and be completely unaware of the inner contents of the package. OR you could skip whatever the fates have in store for you and buy a complete set.  Quit the games and get right down to business by getting them all in one shot!  This is the kind of forward thinking desperately needed for all of us who are obsessed with the idea of owning every figure and are also trying to maintain a level of civility while doing so.

    I'm so enamored by the idea of how they'll be available that I've completely glossed over the toys themselves.  Jasper was created by Gary Ham and this first collection features his design alongside those of Doktor A, Jellykoe, Muxxi, Dex Dexign Lab, Mizna Wada, and Yema Yema.  Plus, as if you needed an extra incentive to get em all, complete sets also come with a bonus 8th figure from Gary Ham!

    These three inch figures will be available starting today, Friday April 12, at noon eastern time from https://martiantoys.com.

Budfoot Unlimited Edition from Wonder Goblin

     You know what sucks?  Lots of things do, I suppose, but let's not turn this into the airing of the grievances.  I'm trying to be more positive about things and so far I've done really well since I made the decision a day ago.  You gotta purge yourself of negativity not unlike you have to purge yourself of hot dogs that have managed to linger past the use by date in your refrigerator.  You may be tempted, but it's easier to throw them in the trash then it is to pray for a quick death at a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway.  That was probably just specific enough for you to wonder whether I've experienced such an issue and only me and God's stenographer know for sure.

    One thing that sucks for sure is wanting a toy real bad and having it sell out before you could snag one.  It sucks pretty hard.  Wonder Goblin is doing his part to make sure you never have to worry about not adding a Budfoot to your collection, as this particular shade of green will be available forever.  Gotta wait till you get paid?  No worries. Doing a stint in county because of a terribly planned crime spree?  Your girlfriend may not wait for you, but Budfoot will be there on the day of your release.

     Each figure is $85 plus shipping and are available now, later, and forever at https://www.wondergoblin.com.

Sunlight and Moonlight Edition Choices from Jermaine Rogers

    My favorite holiday this month is Wrestlemania, but Easter is cool too.  I like candy sometimes, I like finding things that people have hidden, though it's much more fun when they had no intention of me actually discovering it.  And I like bunnies, which are not a good idea to give your grubby little kids as pets.  Children have the attention spans of rocks and bunnies are living creatures that need lots of love and attention that spans beyond the point of novelty gift.  Just don't do it.  Buy them chocolate ones, or plush ones, our taxidermied ones, but never live ones.

    I take it back, you should always buy your kids rabbits who know how to wield knives and have murderous intentions.  The thing I love about the Choices figures from Jermaine Rogers is...everything.  They're adorable, they're stabby, and they're tired of your crap.  Not necessarily you the reader, but you as in society, kinda like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.  They also look like they might have just witnessed something really bad happen and have picked up the knife and are now contemplating calling the police as soon as the initial shock wears off.  Maybe.

    There are two different versions of this vinyl figure: Sunlight, with its pretty pink eyes, and Moonlight, which looks like the Blue Bunny ice cream mascot getting ready to lose his damn mind.  Both versions are available today, Friday April 5th, at 3pm eastern time exclusively from www.jermainerogers.com.

Red Handed Mandrake Root from Doktor A x Toy Art Gallery

     The character from Nick Cave's murderously creepy song Red Right Hand had exactly what the title describes: a single, sinister colored appendage that I'm fairly certain was up to no good.   I mean, why else would it be red?  Blood I'm guessing, or a really bad, awkwardly specific sunburn.  So imagine the list of naughty doings this guy has working, as he had TWO red hands...and red feet...and red thingys coming out of his face.   Lots of red on this fella.

    Doktor A and Toy Art Gallery are releasing this latest edition of their Mandrake Root figure today Wednesday, April 3rd to make your hump day a little more interesting.  This dude is based on an actual Mandrake, which when pulled out of the ground resembles some freaky little dirt person that is used in magical spells and whatnot.  Imagine now, the first person that ever found one and how it freaked out his ancient superstitious mind.  Then imagine the person that thought it looked delicious and died horribly as a result.  There is literally no further point to either thing you are imagining, you've just got a really weird train of thought.  Sicko.

    This guy comes complete with a matching little buddy to handle any over flow evil deeds.  Get em at noon pacific time only at www.toyartgallery.com.


    

Mecha Brain Crawler Lottery from Mechavirus x Plaseebo

     At my day job we make a lot of money during the summer from people losing their glasses in the ocean.  The waves rise up and snatch them unexpectedly from the faces of the visually impaired, forcing them to seek me out for emergency replacements.  By my calculations in another few decades there will be a sea wall made of Ray Bans that will protect the coast of New Jersey from the effects of erosion.  That or there's a lot of sea creatures who have no idea how expensive all that trash is that they're playing with.

    Speaking of, I hear a lot people also lose their cell phones in the water, which to me has far more dire consequences.  Could you imagine you're just chilling, minding your own fish business, then all of a sudden you have access to the internet?  Being not so smart you scroll aimlessly until you learn that all your buddies who get caught by fisherman aren't actually going on vacation but are instead being cooked and eaten by lung breathers.  With your new found knowledge you rally all of the other sea creatures, who then refine their Googling abilities, learn to make weaponry by watching History Channel reruns, and the next thing you know the fish are deep frying us.

    Plaseebo and Mechavirus have teamed up to give us a glimpse of what our future overlords could look like.  This thing is so A-M-A-Z-I-N-G I had to spell it out like I didn't want the dog to know what I was saying.  It's a completely one of a kind piece so if you want to own the mechanized, light up cephalopod here's how you can enter the lottery for purchase:

Send the following information to bob@plaseebo.net :

1. name

2. shipping address

3. country

4. telephone number

5. PayPal email address

6. Instagram ID

     This figure will be $350 plus shipping.  The lottery closes on Sunday, March 31.

Porcelain Royal Tea from Lunartik

    I'm not much of a tea dude when it comes to choosing a beverage.  I have orange juice in the morning, usually a soda with lunch, a ton of water during the day, and another soda with dinner.  The water is to keep any kidney stones I manufacture moving along the pipeline before they get too big and are like a husky bro on a dry water slide.  I like the taste of soda, which explains the pudgier aspects of my 200 lb physique.  I'm only slightly addicted to the caffeine, which always reminds me if I haven't had any that day by dropping an invisible guillotine through the right side of my skull.  My relationship with Dr. Pepper is quite abusive.

    I've missed seeing these little guys from Lunartik because they remind me of the robots from the movie Batteries Not Included.  You want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside without having to catch a stomach virus?  Go watch that film.  Lunartik is doing something a little different this time in that instead of the tried and true plastic medium he usually works with, these 8 inch teas are made of porcelain, a material so fancy that even the name sounds regal.  

    This piece is limited to only 50 world wide but here's the catch: he's doing a preorder for them to gather enough interest before sending them to production.  You want one for yourself?  Just email matt@lunartik.com .  He's already filled half the slots, so get to emailing if you want one.  

Basuritas Vinyl Toys from Mishka x Kalaka Toys x 3DRetro

   My Saturday was jam packed:  first I went to work, then I came home to eat dinner, then I went back to work but at a different place than the first time cause I'm trying to make that Wrestlemania money.  The struggle is real, but even if I wasn't working my hands to the bones I still live 3,000 miles away from 3DRetro and the killer Basuritas release party they threw.  So while many of us were unable to attend don't get too depressed, because the very figures the shindig was celebrating are now available online.   These vinyl toys were created by Kalaka Toys and Mishka and are heavily inspired by Garbage Pail Kids (Basuritas were the Argentinian version of those wonderfully gross trading cards).

     Each four pack is blind bagged and will come in either red, green, black, or glow in the dark.   So even if you find yourself at work, go take one of those on the clock bathroom breaks and order a set or two on your phone.  Pooping on company time is the best way to get back at your employer for all the psychological damage they have caused you without the expense and hassle of having to hire a lawyer.  

     These are available now at www.3dretro.com.