Retroband Presents the "I Can't Stop the Monster I Created" Solo Show

     When I opened my email a few days ago and saw that there was going to be a meats exhibit I got a little too hyped, so I don't know why I am surprised that whenever I use that health machine at the grocery store my results are less than ideal.  You know the one I'm talking about, that sings the tempting song of the sirens as you wait in line for your prescriptions.  It measures your blood pressure, pulse, and body fat content and despite everything that video games have drilled into my brain over a lifetime, a high score is not cause for celebration.  The world should really calm it down on the mixed message front.  And of course whenever I'm there I have to use the damn thing cause there's nothing better than spiraling into a depression to let you know you're alive (not for much longer is that machine is to be believed).   But alas, this email had nothing to do with the barbecued goodness that has made the free space in my arteries tighter than last year's jeans.

    The Meats referred to the grotesque vinyl figure created by Retroband and will be the subject of a solo show this Saturday in Brooklyn.  "I Can't Stop the Monster I Created" is a title that oozes Frankenstein vibes and there certainly are plenty of similarities between the two.  Once Retroband put his creation out there the collector's took over, giving it a life all its own. Unlike Frankenstein though, the murder tally is a tad lower I think.

   The show will feature a ton of variations on this very figure, including painted, unpainted, and even a newer interpretation of the monster in a much smaller size.  And if that wasn't enough, CoART Publications is actually releasing a 154 page book filled with high quality images and which for some reason I was not asked to write the introduction for but that doesn't mean I won't make myself available for the next one (subtle hint).

    I suppose the next logical thing would be to tell you how you can be a part of all of this,  I too agree that would make sense, so here ya go.  The show is being held at Bottleneck Gallery at 60 Broadway in Brooklyn, NY this Saturday, September 21.  The opening happens from 6-9pm.

Protoduck Preorder from Grody Shogun x Lulubell Toys

    In the great state of New Jersey we have an over abundance of the majestic bird known as the Canada Goose.  They're really pretty birds but they have two qualities that are less than desirable.  For one, they love to walk across the street in droves.  One of them starts off, followed by a seemingly endless line of their relatives in tow, bringing traffic to a halt.  I don't mind waiting for them to waddle their way across the street and I will in fact block other cars from trying to drive around then until they all make it safely.  What makes me insane is that they can fly but insist on walking like confused tourists.  And it drives me insane because I don't want to see them get hurt by someone who isn't paying attention.

     The other thing about them that is less than ideal is the fact that they drop trucker sized turds everywhere they go.  They're these green tinted monsters that pepper the landscape like buckshot and are nearly impossible to navigate between without adding some stank to your shoes.  Thankfully, their uncontrollable bowel movements seem to be limited to when they are walking and eating because if they dropped those bombs on you from above it might knock you cross eyed.

    Geese are not in fact ducks, but the only duck stories I have for you involve my love of those tiny baby ducklings and you've already heard that a few times.  So to celebrate the release of the latest figure from Grody Shogun and Lulubell Toys I had to do a bit of substitution.  This is Protoduck, who has taken a strange detour on the evolutionary highway that has equipped him with a lone vampire fang and a horn that juts out from his head.  Sounds like a couple of people I know.

   This dude stands 6 inches tall and is available for preorder now for an intro-duck-tory price of just $30.  That is, until 50 orders are placed at which time the price will go up slightly to its normal $40.  Where else are you getting that much genuine Japanese sofubi for that price?  Only from https://www.lulubelltoys.com/.

Clear Green Glitter King Nawab from Planet Asia

    The new Godzilla film just showed up as a rental option through our cable provider and I was beyond excited to watch it.  I eagerly paid the $5.99 and sat with baited breath for each great monster to be revealed on screen.  Those were two hours of my life I will never get back.  The previous movie wasn't bad, but this one was hell bent from the beginning to make me hate it.  The dialogue was clunkier than my first car and the monsters were mostly hidden behind fast paced CG that really made me miss the simplistic yet much more effective costumes of films past.  How can they make a modern film like Shin Godzilla, which has one of my favorite monster designs ever, and have flawless visuals and intriguing story telling (don't act like you weren't fascinated to learn about Japanese government) but once Americans get involved everything gets blurry on the screen and in the script?

    I'm all about this gigantic figure from Planet Asia because it is like the glittery love child of Mothra and King Ghidorah.  And look at that green sparkle that doesn't need a drop of paint to accentuate it.  This beast stands 15 inches tall and features 11 points of articulation, which is about three more than me at this current moment.  At $180 plus shipping I'm surprised these are still available.   Is the problem that you need to make some space in your house?  That's not a problem at all, just throw out some furniture you don't like, or throw out some furniture you do like, life is too short to be worrying this much about a silly thing like that chair your mom gave you.

https://planetxasia.bigcartel.com

Oni-Tayu Smoke and Mirrors Edition from Tokyo Jesus x Clutter Studios

 

  There are but only so many ways in our crazy world to create something truly menacing.  Especially in America, where mass shootings are the norm and where the entire country is run by someone not mentally stable enough to manage a hot dog cart.  Freddy Kreuger wishes he could inspire so many nightmares.  To say I'm a bit jaded is the understatement of the year, but I will readily admit that this figure has a creepy "just found in the tomb of a witch" feel that is slightly unnerving.  Could be that whole skeleton made of random skulls, but that's just a guess.

    Tokyo Jesus and Clutter Studios team up again to offer us all a new version of their Oni-Tayu collaboration.  The first edition was filled with blood, so the natural progression for figure number two is to fill it with bone.  This is made from double cast resin and features and entirely new sculpted structure beneath the clear shell.  She stands at 12 inches tall, is limited to only 50 pieces worldwide, is filled with the angry ghost of a fisherman's daughter (not really, but maybe) and will be available for preorder starting on the more than appropriate Friday the 13th.  Each one is $350 and will start shipping out at the end of November.  Oh, and the skeleton glows with an otherworldly energy that I cannot confirm is not a poltergeist.  Imagine the fun you'll have!

www.cluttermagazine.com

The Debut of the Toxic Rider Sofubi from Bad Omen Toys

     How is it that every summer either ticks or mosquitos are carrying some new horrifying disease that has, until that very moment, gone unnoticed by medical science?  And why on Earth does New Jersey seem to be the Petri dish where these insects tests their new brands of evil out?  Sure, the disease that makes you allergic to red meat started down south, but then guess where it went on holiday and decided to stay?  New...Jersey.  This summer it was the mosquitos turn as they concocted a special brew that was deadly to humans and oddly enough horses.  I,can understand why they hate us because we have entire divisions of local government tasked solely with their extinction, but what did a horse ever do to offend them so badly?  It's not their fault that people who love horses are so dang weird about.  Everyone went to school with a horse girl and knows exactly what I'm talking about.  What with their every sweat shirt having a horses head on it, or the fact that they wear their riding pants to class because their was no time to change.  Horse girls are the worst.

    The original the,e behind the post involved bugs and the way they are concocting new evils to try and kill us, but in now way did I see them forming biker gangs and carrying stabbing implements.  This luscious purple hunk of Sofubi is the first ever release of the Toxic Rider figure which also marks the first ever release from Bad Omen Toys.  Designed by the duo of Video Vomit and Ryno Arts, this dude will be making his world premier today, Friday September 6th at 7pm cst.  Own one of these purple dynamos by visiting https://badomentoys.bigcartel.com.



   

Satisfaction Guaranteed Resin Figure Line from Public Figures

   You'd think I'd never been anywhere by the way I'm amazed at certain things.  I could go on for an hour about the two story Target in Brooklyn with the shopping cart escalator and I'm sure I looked really dumb to locals as I refused to move until I saw someone use it.  The gist is the escalator for your cart is right next to the escalator for people, so you can ride along side your future purchases to the next floor.  Magic!!!!!    Now I've never been to Las Vegas, but my wife used to have to go there for her job and one night while we chatted on the phone she told me about these dudes that hang out everywhere passing out calling cards for prostitutes.   When I was little I used to collect baseball cards so I thought it would be hilarious for her to try and collect as many different ones as she could and then I would put them in a binder with plastic protector sheets.  The funniest part was her collecting them, the bonus funny part was having them as a collection.  Needless to say she brought home a bunch and I never actually put the binder together.  I had mostly forgotten they existed until my cat Jorah got into the stack and dragged them all over the house.  He's obsessed with anything credit card shaped and I should have known he'd be all about smacking some prostitution cards across the floor.  I have no idea what my in laws must have thought whenever they watched the cats for us because to this day I still find them and know they must have seen one or two at some point.  It's like my cat knew they were funny and keep randomly placing them out in the open to bare my shame.

    Since Thanksgiving will now be twice as awkward this year, what harm could it do to post about figures inspired by those very calling cards?  Public Figures has created a line of four resin figures and slapped em on blown up versions of these vert racy advertisements.  I'm only showing you one, cause believe me the others are not nearly as safe for work as this is, and I know most people read my blog when either on the toilet, on a contraband cell phone in prison, or while they're pretending to do their job.  I'm not trying to have the boss sneak up behind you while looking at such content!

   All four of these ladies trying to put themselves through law school will be available beginning on September 1st by visiting publicfigures.co.uk.  And at only £25 each, how could you go wrong?

Epic Review Time Featuring the Tenacious Toys Exclusive Muckoid from Last Resort Toys

     Last week, during a marathon of Monsters Inside Me, my wife comes home and said that friends of ours were at Best Buy trying to capture a kitten.  The little guy was out there all alone and scared, so of course I was willing to catch up on my favorite tv show about parasites another time.  We spent a few hours out there the first night and were unable to capture the cat.  The next day she spends most of the day out there with traps and some sort of horrible smelling seafood medley and I joined her as soon as I got off from work.  The cat had moved from the relatively cleanliness of the bushes just outside of the front entrance and had taken up residence in a swampy retention pond that was tree lined and over grown.  By playing kitten sounds on our cell phones we were able to coax him out of his hiding place and into one of the traps for a much needed meal.  Foolishly we thought this was the end of the ordeal, that is until the kitten stood on the trigger for the trap and nothing happened.  The little bugger wasn't heavy enough to set it off.  After completing his meal he crawled back into the underbrush which was a little too close to a busy street, so there I go into the thick of things trying to drive it back out towards everyone else.  I'm sweating, covered in dirt, and then I spot a giant hole, running almost parallel to the ground.  I couldn't see inside of it so I grab one of the reeds that are growing from the primordial ooze nearby in an effort to gently see if he is in the hole when the damn thing slices my finger open.  This filthy plant that is thriving in the water from the Devil's urinal has cut me open and shared whatever yuck it was harboring with my blood stream.  Having just watched hours worth of parasitic creatures that nearly killed people under similar circumstances I am internally freaking out.  The picture above is what I imagine is feasting on my bone marrow as I type.

    This feisty bugger is called Muckoid and he is part of The Trash Bag Bunch XL line from Last Resort Toys.  Every time I see the name Last Resort Toys I want to sing that Papa Roach song, but only the intro because my name is not Kyle and my shenanigans are not fueled by Monster energy drink.  The rest of the song is not funny anyway.

    If this figure is giving you wacky flashbacks from your childhood you should probably first make sure you're not on drugs.  Just kidding, as this guy was actually part of The Trash Bag Bunch series from the 1990's, which is without question my favorite time musically.  Imagine having a whole load of the little vintage figures and surrounding this bad boy with them to make a killer display?  Go on, imagine it!!!!!!

     As far as toys go from that time period I sadly invested my money in Starting Lineup figures, which depreciated faster than a chicken sandwich left in a car that is subsequently parked at the airport for a week.  Nothing says welcome home from a long flight quite like discovering why a gang of buzzards is trying to smash your windshield.

As soon as you turn around I'm going to pee on this.  

    The first thing one notices about this figure is that it is massive. It's 7 and a half inches tall and probably just as wide.  It's got more booty than an Instagram model and enough rows of teeth to make a great white shark envious. And what are those claws for?  Being that he has only one on each arm I'm guessing it's not so he can pitch for the Yankees.  And his mouth not only exposes those aforementioned teeth and suspiciously textured forked tongue, but it doubles as a holding place for my janitor sized bundle of keys.  How many of your other toys can claim they're actually earning the shelf space they require?

No I don't know what half of them are for but I'm terrified to get rid of any.

    He is articulated at both arms and at all four of his eyes, allowing for you to pose him in a few different ways, all of which are menacing.  My favorite pose involves him being a meth-induced apparition ala Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" that visits a boy named Kyle who passes out in a dumpster behind a Papa Roach concert and then goes on to become the man that reverses global warming.  Read that one to your kids this Christmas, ya communists!!!!!!


    This color is an exclusive to Tenacious Toys and can only be purchased by visiting www.tenacioustoys.com.  Don't get your mom to drive you out to the 5 and Dime looking for one cause context clues are hard.  Tenacious Toys has the lock on any blue toy that's worth owning.  It's kinda their thing.  Did you also know that Tenacious Toys has ways you can pay for your purchases that I've never even heard of?  I was looking at their website today and I had to Google some of them to find out what they were.  All kinds of crypto currencies that I had no idea existed.  But again, I thought my Starting Lineup collection was gonna pay for college, so I guess I shouldn't expect to know about high finance.