Behemoth Metal Sloth Kickstarter from James Groman x Xpanded Universe

    Life would be so much easier if you knew every decision you made was the right one. That every horse you bet on was a guaranteed sure thing. You could make a killing on the stock market, make a second killing through sports wagering, and only surround yourself with people you knew would never judge you so harshly when you shared your unabashed love for Lady Gaga because you thought you were good enough friends that they could respect your quirky musical detour without thinking you've somehow completely changed as a person and have been living a lie your entire life and "what else don't they know about you, Chris, maybe you're a communist vegan anti-vaxxer with a dolphin tattoo on your ankle." Ugh.

    I'll tell you what is an absolute, certifiable, guaranteed, sure thing, and that is the Behemoth Metal Sloth from James Groman and Xpanded Universe. It's a sure thing because right now they're running  a Kickstarter campaign to fund its creation and it's already surpassed its goal, ensuring that it will indeed be produced. This sucker is 13 inches of hell raising fury that is more metal than your mom's boyfriend who swears he was "this close" to having his band open for Judas Priest in '88 if it wasn't for his drummer's bogus arrest for not paying child support.

    You can check out the campaign at this link and start clearing some space on your shelf for when this bad boy shows up at your door.  

Charlie the Angry Elephant Tenacious Toys Exclusive from AngelOnce x UVD Toys.

 

     If I was an elephant who was blue I'd be pretty angry about things. For starters, unless you live in Smurf Village you have zero natural camouflage, making you a huge target for predators that think you might be blueberry flavored. Secondly, whenever anyone makes fun of people hallucinating they only use pink elephants to joke about what they are probably seeing, which would get old after a while and seems a bit discriminatory. If you were to do acid or bang your head unnaturally hard on a shelf at Wal Mart why can't you see blue elephants? And why couldn't you see green elephants for that matter? Do illusions of the mind have to maintain the same color standards as a gender reveal party? I'm about to compose a sternly written letter as soon as I can figure out who to send it to.

I have no idea as to why Charlie the Angry Elephant from AngelOnce and UVD Toys is actually in such a state, but I know that this version is an exclusive to Tenacious Toys. Pretty much any time you see a blue toy you should know that Tenacious has that on lock down, as it was passed into law in 2005 by the Designer Toy Council for a Better Tomorrow. This vinyl bro will be available starting on Friday, January 17th at noon eastern time.  He is limited to 50 pieces, will retail for $50 each, and can only be had by visiting www.tenacioustoys.com.  

Iolite Edition Nordic Lucky Cat On Sale Now!!!

    Iolite is a purple hued stone that the famous Viking Leif Erikson used to find the sun on cloudy days while at sea. The mineral acts in much the same way as a polarized sunglass lens, making it an invaluable tool to open water navigation. In the spirit of one of the world's greatest explorers I present to you the Iolite Edition of my Nordic Lucky Cat. Only 5 of them were made, making it the most limited run of these resin figures yet. Price will be $45 which includes free shipping in the lower 48 of the US. If you live somewhere else in the world then I'll have to find out what it would cost to send one to ya, but it can be done. They come with a hand stamped muslin bag and enough rune magic to fill a flat tire or give your enemy diarrhea. How you use it is up to you.

    Get one for yourself at thetoyviking.bigcartel.com

Orange Tabby Edition BurgetCat from Nathan Hamill x Science Patrol

    Do you think old memes will ever come back into fashion the way clothes do? I've pretty much worn the same things my entire life and every 5 years or so I accidentally become the trendiest person I know. Our collective love for nostalgia extends to every other aspect of life, so why not bring back the wholesomeness of I Can Haz Cheezburger as we stare down our dark reality? There is little more uplifting in this world than a picture of a cat with a caption that reads in an eastern European accent.

    Nathan Hamill is making me long for those days with his BurgerCat sofubi figure. Produced by Science Patrol, this Orange Tabby edition will be available beginning this Friday, January 10 at noon pacific time from http://nathanhamill.storenvy.com. 

Hello Lukey Hand Painted Resin Figures from Luke Chueh x Flabslab

   How was everyone's holiday? It's been a few weeks since I've posted anything and it's because outside of Christmas obligations I've been working myself to the bone.  Seriously, I have little to no skin left on most of my body, which is bad for me but great for MRSA.  I'm nothing if not thoughtful towards bacteria that thumbs its nose at medical science.  I actually had a customer at work the other day that somehow during the course of our conversation was able to inform me that one summer day she had entered the ocean after cutting herself shaving her legs and picked up MRSA.  I was pretty impressed with how seemless she was able to work a life threatening infection into casual banter, as I have never needed anyone to know anything about my medical history so badly that wasn't a doctor.  Ok, now that I think about it I did post a picture of my kidney stone on Instagram the moment I was able to birth it, so I guess I'm just as guilty.  In my defense, that sucker was 5 mm, which sounds small until you realize they're sharp as a razor and like prove it the entire way out.  Let's get to the subject of this post before I tell you any more about how I shredded my urinary tract.

     This dude here is Luke Chueh's famous bear immitating an even more famous cat.  These are an even bigger resin edition of the soft vinyl version you may have previously seen online.  Each one is five inches tall and has been hand painted by the man himself, making them all unique pieces of original art.  Produced by Flabslab, these are extremely limited and will go on sale this Saturday at 10am eastern time only at flabslab.bigcartel.com for $300 each.  

Silver and Gold Sparkle Bite Size from Radioactive Uppercut

     I don't keep up with the phases of the moon because I work with the public and they are more than happy to act crazy whenever there is a full one.  Sometimes they don't even need any lunar encouragement to test the level of my patience, and it used to really get to me.  In my younger days I was all about arguing back if someone started to act foolish as I would be damned to let them think they got one over on me.  But as I got older I realized that the best thing to do when people are loosing their mind is to maintain a calm demeanor and totally not acknowledge their behavior in any fashion that they want you to.  There's nothing better that for a person to be screaming at you because they have some sort of issue that is in way within your control and you just calmly watch them as they wear down. This is normally the part where I would give you a recent example of this happening but I honestly do it so often that nothing stands out.  I feel that I have let you down, but if you get mad about it just know that you will yell until you're hoarse and I won't bat an eye.

   Radioactive Uppercut's Bite Size figures are much more predictable when they will transform into monsters than the average person, because they are actual werewolves.  Which, standing at 4 inches tall each and cast in silver or gold sparkly vinyl, go in sale in a matter of minutes by visiting http://radioactiveuppercut.storenvy.com.  Go get em!

Mighty Jaxx Exclusive Skull Flower from Tara McPherson x Toy Qube

    As the cold, depressing grip of late fall/early winter chokes out the sunlight on New Jersey, I am trying to remember all of the success my wife and I had with our gardening efforts this year.  She enjoyed a bountiful harvest of peppers, though our attempts at growing eggplant produced nothing but no edible runts. All of the blueberries were consumed by the chipmunk that lives under our porch which I don't really mind because I'd like to think he looks forward to them every year.  Flower-wise we were smarter this year, as we only planted things that could tolerate a healthy amount of neglect and that would attract butterflies and hummingbirds for the cats to watch.  Right now the only color outside of our house comes from the uncarved pumpkins that are well past their expiration date and that I'm scared to pick up lest they explode in my hands and cover me in their gore.  I can see it now as I go to toss them into the woods and their already soft rinds give way, ruining a perfectly good pair of shoes.  Whatever happened to juvenile delinquents stealing them to throw them at houses they didn't like?  Please, come and take them!

     This Skull Flower from Tara McPherson perfectly illustrates the grave yard that is my flower bed this time of year.  Death thrives in the damp mud left behind from melted snow fall and the only thing that will grow is the shortening of daylight.  Alas, before I start reciting The Raven, let me tell you that this exclusive Mighty Jaxx version of this figure will be released on Saturday, December 14th at 9am eastern time for $55 (which includes world wide shipping).  You can snag one for yourself by visiting https://mightyjaxx.rocks.